Ferals save the BAcon

In a surprise move, the Feral population of Tripe Island has agreed to pack up their boats and move out of the boat basin that is not allowed to have boats in it.

Explaining the move, Roger Bush commented “It is clear that the Blessed Authority was about to run out of money. Local Members of Parliament have already taken their begging bowls to Westmunster pleading poverty for the cash-stricken Blessed Authority, so we thought that we’d cut it a little slack.”

Our intrepid shrimp asked “Where will all the boats go?”

“Well, we’ll find somewhere for them, I’m sure. There’s a nice bit of green just up the river, I expect they will go there. It’s particularly handy for the pub and bus stop. “

Secret plans to raise funds for the Blessed Authority are now expected to be put on-hold. One such plan was the privatisation of the man-made river that links the Rivers Yeorght and Wovenly and saves a four hour jaunt to the estuary.

Our shrimpy spies learned that the idea had been in place for many years with previous interested parties having been refused permission for development on more than one occasion. However, a new tendering process is thought to now be at an advanced stage with the preferred bidder, Cully Smithe Industries. CSI is thought to be examining new ways to leverage funds from the captive floating audience and secret plans leaked to our shrimp suggest that already CSI has already given the green light to build toll booths at either end.

Quizzed on the leaked plans to raise much needed funds, Andre Short, the Blessed Authority’s Head of Obscure Reasoning, stated “The annual windfall is just around the corner; in a few short weeks we’ll be laughing all the way to the brown paper bag under the floorboards.”

In a verbal statement, Dr Pikeman said “It is quite ridiculous to think that the Blessed Authority would ever consider surrendering control of any of the waters after we have gone to such lengths gaining control of them in the first place. However, I can confirm that we are investigating certain options with our ‘Preferred Partners’. But you can rest-assured that any money raised will be sunk back into the river system.”

“For instance, one plan works very well with our recycling initiative. You see, we are in talks with the County Council about taking the white lines off some of the road network making use of them as lane markers for holiday vessels. Naturally, we will have to remove the toxins from the paint before installation.”

However, there remain other financial pressures at Yeorght House; not least its stocks of Moet getting dangerously low.

Trust in me

Our Shrimpy Spies have today seen a new “Acme” delivery to the Blessed Authority’s headquarters, Yeorght House. A number of large boxes labelled “Ultimate Comfort Executive Ejector Seat” were taken in through the main entrance and some hours of banging and clattering could be heard thereafter.

Our Inside Shrimp tells us that this is all part of a new, super-secret plan to allow the swift removal of members who question the decisions of the higher officials and leadership team which has been in receipt of some eye-opening comments in recent times.

Gleefully accepting an opportunity to play down such a suggestion, the Blessed Authority’s leader, Dr Pikeman carefully and purposely stated, “The Blessed Authority takes very seriously the views of our members. We welcome opinions that are at odds with our own, as it allows us to quickly establish who will and won’t follow our hidden agendas. The new meeting room furniture was thought to be a more cost effective solution than air conditioning in the coming hot summer months. Won’t you come in and try one?”

Accepting the invitation to try out the new seats, our Shrimp reporter was soon in a large, quiet meeting room with subdued lighting and a large clock suspended from the ceiling over a table with piano black finish. Each chair seemed to have a “loft hatch” above it. Quickly seated, our intrepid Shrimp was soon relaxed by the gentle massaging effect of the executive leather. Dr Pikeman explained, taking on a whimsical tone, “You see, my dear shrimpy, we’re one big happy family here at the Blessed Authority.”

In a dark corner of the room, something murmured quietly to itself.

Dr Pikeman’s voice became milder and his skin appeared to be glistening; his body slightly extended, elongated. “We want all our members to have a gooood time here and just let the executivess get on with the hard work; we’re unlike any other organisation you have ever been in; you should conssider joining. You are feeling ssleepy.”

Dr Pikeman, sat on the table in front of our Shrimp and slithered around a little, leaving a glistening trail behind him. “Just back from the Sargassso! Beautiful place, I go every year or sso.”

At that point, the silence was broken by a rather tipsy couple bursting into the room, each carrying a bottle of Moet. Dr Pikeman contorted and spun around hissing his disapproval. In unison, both muttered “yess maassther” and vanished. With the door open, it was clear that there was much merriment being had elsewhere in Yeorght House, but absolute silence resumed when the door was closed once again.

Dropping his voice, Dr Pikeman resumed “Ssorry about that, my dear friend. Just ssome of our other memberss having a gooood time. “, he tapped the side of his nose twice with his index fin. “Now where wass I? Oh yess, you sshould consider joining, I can ssee that you’d really enjoy not working here, there really is sso little to do apart from ssign the occasshional, ssleeeeeepy, document, throw partiess and enjoy yoursshelf”.

Our shrimp could feel himself being very “relaxed”; the huge clock face was gently swaying.

Suddenly, our intrepid shrimp was awoken by the custom ring tone of a mobile phone; “Another One Bites the Dust” was quickly dismissed by the Doctor, but the spell was lost; the clock face abruptly stopped swaying and Dr Pikeman struggled back into his usual fishy form and, barely audibly, muttered, “and you’re back in the room”.

Quickly, an old lady appeared from the darkness towards the back of the room and polished the slime on the table leaving a deep shine on the surface.

Slightly disorientated, our Evasive Shrimp quickly extricated himself from the chair, made his apologies scurried for the door. Behind him there was a sharp “ptoooiiinnnnggg” followed by “Blasst!”.

The last Pike from Trumpton Dyke

“Bedtime, you little scamps!”

Eduardo the Ancient Pike was on babysitting duties. His son and daughter-in-law were out in the Southern Broads enjoying a quiet romantic weekend away and he was left in charge of the triplets. Again. A treat he looked forward to despite his advancing years.

“Tell us the story about Trumpton, Grampa! Tell us how it became a zombie village and why it’s too scary to go there! Tell us why they put the gate up! Tell us why there aren’t any boats!”

“Well, it happened in the reign of The Granny and Dr. Pikeman ...”

“Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!”, cried the triplets, hiding under their bed covers, “not the Granny!”

“Granny and Dr. Pikeman were geographers and they decided that landscapes were more important than people. It all went down hill from there. They also had a bad case of boat envy and decided that all boat owners should be banished. Dr. Pikeman came up with this really good trick of re-writing articles of law to suit his own needs and intentions and the rest, as they say, is history.”

“So, when the Agency for protection of wealthy developers building on flood plains decided they didn’t have enough money to replace the quay heading at Trumpton Dyke, they asked the Blessed Authority if they could take it away. Back in the day, in 2008, the Blessed ones agreed, but asked the agency to make sure the boats could still use the dyke once they got around to doing the work.”

“And then what happened?”

“Well, Granny was put in charge of the Blessed Authority and boats became unimportant. The Agency were allowed to take away one of the sides of the dyke and plant a reed edge instead. Before too long, everything slumped into the middle. Some of the bigger boats were trapped and a gate was put over the entrance to seal the dyke off completely. Granny Spokesperson (not to be confused with your fine Grandmother) became so obsessed with the reeds in Trumpton Dyke she could often be found dressed as a scarecrow chasing away imaginary geese and ducks. The subsequent zombie invasion was considered an unfortunate consequence of their actions, but as zombies were neither people nor landscape, the net result was neutral.”

“But Grampa, surely Granny and Dr, Pikeman couldn’t control all the Blessed Authority and the Members who made the decision?”

“Sadly, no-one will ever know. Hand picked, up-standing members of the community, ... once they entered within the walls of Yeorght House, they lost all sense of human decency and the ability to tell right from wrong. It’s a sad, sad story. Personally, I blame the water, never touched the stuff whenever I had to visit the place.”

“And what happened to all the boats Grampa?”

“They all went away. Thanks to Dr. Pikeman and the Granny, the area was called a National Park and all the places for the boats to go and tie up disappeared. The Blessed Authority had become greedy for money and the tolls became too expensive and the Broads got too silted and difficult to enjoy. The National Park was officially closed in 2048 as the whole area was considered unworthy of any special consideration in any shape or form.”

“Now sleep, all of you”, Eduardo the Ancient kissed his grandchildren fondly. “you’re the very last pike in the Broads and you should be proud of your heritage. Never forget and never give up.”

True Colours

“Turn the volume up, Granny”, yelled Dr Pikeman, “I love Cindy Lauper!”

The halls and corridors of the Blessed Authority were drowning in 80s pop on repeat. Even the hold music was changed at Dr Pikeman’s behest, occasionally interspersed with a bit of Queen's, Another One Bites the Dust.

We cannot confirm rumours that the techy who injected “I want to break free” was granted his wishes.

As the “ferals” of Tripe Island regroup to lick their wounds and plan a response, the Blessed Authority is reportedly sourcing military suppliers for heavy artillery with rumours abounding over the acquisition of a couple of landing craft in readiness.

However, in a classic planning cock-up, the newly acquired vessels exceed the 46x12ft limit of boats on the river and so the head ranger and tolls department have denied the requisite licence plaques.

It is anticipated that the Blessed Authority will be placing these floating troop carriers in a forthcoming boat auction where you will be able to view them through binoculars only, place sealed, final bids and have to remove them within 45 seconds or incur the wrath.

Meanwhile, a planned after-dark sortie to the Blessed Authority’s riverside white elephant hide-out at Tripe aims to take the hulk of Taurus (until recently sleeping with the fishes at the city moorings) back upstream to be used as a barricade across the mouth of the troubled mooring basin; by all accounts it will now pass under Tripe Railway Bridges at all states of the tide.

A watery success story

With Christmas behind us, it is a long standing tradition of the British pundit to look back over the year - and Fenny, the Fen Raft Spider, is here to bring you the best of the Blessed Authority’s achievements of 2015.

Hoveton Great Broad is an outstanding 2015 Blessed Authority success story. In total almost £5M of public money will be spent on restoring a rich aristocrat’s private broad and despite persistent bleating of the assembled herd of Members, a petition signed by over 1500 people and the concept being fundamentally flawed, the Authority - charged with looking after navigation interests by an Act of Parliament - failed to negotiate a public right of navigation … why? Speculation is rife and the Authority’s Spokesperson strenuously denies that the Authority didn’t criticise the Heritage Lottery Fund in order to safeguard the Landscape Partnership bid. Rumours that Members had been asked not to comment on or sign the online petition were quashed when a lesser Member decided to break rank and speak out. “It’s really not true that Members aren’t allowed to talk to the public about what we do. We’re just advised not to for our own good.”

Building on the resounding success of the re-branding exercise, Members of the Blessed Authority found themselves stunned to learn that calling yourself a National Park, when you’re actually not, can be considered unlawful - despite your trusted officers’ opinions at the time. So, just to make sure officers weren’t wrong and Dr Pikeman doesn’t miss out on a knighthood when he retires, Members resolved to set aside roughly £60K of public money to the right and just cause of defending a name. Flattered by Members’ generosity of spirit to his retirement well-being, Dr Pikeman issued the following self deprecating statement: “Here at the Authority, we’re just trying to do our bit to protect rare and endangered species. Following Government cuts to Legal Aid, a number of London Barristers are in danger of disappearing altogether and I felt it was our duty to support this ‘at risk’ law society species from extinction.”

Thorpe Island with its latest campaign and petition must surely be the pinnacle of stakeholder engagement success for the Authority. Encouraged by some very wealthy local residents and an MP’s call for swift action, the Blessed Authority delivered its first attempt at a corporate Christmas Card to the feral unwashed on the island. A junior member of the team fell foul of auto-correct and predictive text on the work machine and the message “A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of Roger Bush’s tenants” catastrophically translated to “Will Roger Bush’s tenants please all leave the island to give us a Happy New Year”, perplexing the population into fighting its corner and defending its rights against bully-boy tactics. Fortunately, the Blessed Authority gained some much needed media exposure and several columns of newspaper print. “It’s all a big misunderstanding”, said Granny Spokesperson, “ My distaste for shanty towns is well known and documented, however, as I will be deemed unfit for public office if I stand by my statements, I might as well change my mind to protect my position on the Authority. Who’s for mediation, chaps?”

Finally, I have news on Eddie, who was considered by many to be the founding father of this news bulletin. The poor fish, who had no idea his identity had been stolen, is settling into blissful anonymity and middle aged respectability. RIP Eddie.

Of course, Eduardo the imposter is busier than he’s ever been. Applications for new contributors to the bulletin are being considered, please email the Pike with expressions of interest by 15th January 2016.

Happy New Year to you all!

Tripe Island - The Full Feral Facts

An Official Press Statement from the Blessed Authority

Background

Planning consent is at the heart of the issue at Tripe Island. The landowner Roger Bush has flouted our special interpretation of planning laws by refusing to ask permission for something which already has permission. We ask any person who we don't like to do this, as it gives us a thrill. Instead, for four years he has continued to allow boats to moor in his marina, as though the mere existence of planning permission and a legal agreement with ourselves requiring the marina to be used for the mooring of boats could imply that we condone any such activity.

We have tried to work with him over the years to avoid action but to no avail. Despite our repeated assurances that we would turn down any new request for mooring boats in his mooring basin, he failed to make an application for us to refuse. Last year, despite our best efforts, Mr Bush was told he could have permission for 25 boat moorings - though this was subject to deliberately impossible conditions, which he inexplicably rejected. Mr Bush must learn that he is not above the law - only the Blessed Authority is above the law.

The situation has been misrepresented, it is absolutely not an attempt to “gentrify” or “socially cleanse”, in fact we have a long and proud history of banning promoting residential moorings throughout the Broads. The accusation that we are building a marina is completely fabricated, as we wouldn't know where to start. Our concern is simply that we can't ignore a bunch of nimbys who bought expensive houses by the river but don't like boats. They asked us to persecute Mr Bush, it seemed like a good idea at the time and we think it's £110,000 of your taxes well spent.

No-one is being evicted over Christmas, and we can't understand why a hand-delivered letter from a public authority asking residents to leave could possibly be construed as anything other than a friendly Yuletide greeting. After we've enjoyed our Christmas break we will of course return to cleansing the island with renewed vigour.

Electricity and water

We were not aware until recently that Mr Bush was supplying electricity and water, even though he did tell us. We now know that the supply is through solar panels installed on a small trailer which we like to call a large container. This "container" has been part of the persecution case since it started in 2011, and we still want it removed even though we can't say why. Mr Bush did apply for planning permission for this "container" but it made our brains hurt to think about it, so we sent his form back.

Complaint against Blessed Authority Chairman

The Authority’s Monitoring Officer will fully investigate the allegations against Chairperson Granny Spokesperson. We can categorically and unreservedly state now however that she did not describe the residents of Thorpe Island as ‘feral’, the word she used was in fact 'savages'.

Although she did make a comment about shanty towns, this was made in the context of singing jolly sea shanties in her new jointly owned boat and had nothing to do with Tripe Island. We did run the boat purchase past our Monitoring Officer on his last day before leaving the Blessed Authority in disgust, and he said "do what you like, it's not like you pay any attention to anything I tell you anyway." 

We would like to wish everyone living on Tripe Island a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

A shanty town, yesterday

In the interests of balance, the original unedited version of 'Full Facts' can be found here on the Blessed Authority's website.

The Wrong Policy

What happens when the wrong sort of person uses the right sort of policy? Well that’s exactly what happened at the Blessed Authority last week and your faithful reporter Fenny the Fen Raft Spider was there to bring you this exclusive story first.

I crept into the Waveney Room and settled comfortably on my favourite chair. As a rare and charismatic species, I have a duty to look after myself properly, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“Application for determination Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have a Tea House Because My Agent Is A Former Employee Of The Authority?”, the first application was duly announced.

“Excuse me Sir, It’s against planning policy to approve this one”, piped up a lesser amongst equals.

“Not to worry”, said a Blessed One. “The agent is an all round smashing guy and we love everything he does. “

“Approved” chorused the Members.

“And now application Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have Some Residential Moorings You Told Me You Were Comfortable With back in June?” , the second application was obviously going to be interesting. “Applicant is Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter and I would like to declare on behalf of the Authority, that we’re not allowed to like him much at all. “

A low muttering could be heard from the Member’s side of the room. I thought I could faintly hear the words “chancer” and “not again” and knew instantly I was right to risk life and limb to be here.

“Well,”, said a Blessed One, “we thought we were comfortable with this application, but it turns out we don’t think he’s the right sort of person to be using one of our policies and if we let him use it, he’ll bring his friends and they’ll all start wanting to use our policies to get what they want. It just won’t do. We’d be setting a dangerous precedent. ”

A typical Broads "live aboard", yesterday

“Refuse it!”, whispered Dr. Pikeman. “There’ll be nothing but trouble if you don’t. “

“But we can’t”, moaned a spokesperson. “We can’t let it get out in the public domain that we make promises and then go back on them. ”

“It’s already in the public domain”, I heard a gravelly voice growl, as I scrambled for my life to avoid a rapidly descending posterior of a large man I hadn’t heard enter the room. I spun around to see, well, what a shock this was, none other than Roger Bush, the blighted owner of Tripe Island. I tell you now, my gentle friends, I quivered like a leaf on my many legs. Roger is in enough trouble already without having the wrath of the Divine Ecologist upon him for sitting on a rare species!
What would members do? Would they have the strength of character to determine the application on its merits? Or would they bow to their fear of setting a precedent and allowing Mr. Bush to get a piece of the action?

In the end, they did both.

Ignoring the screams of anguish from the floor above, the application was approved, but tied up in enough conditions to make a corkscrew proud.

I caught up with Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter in the pub afterwards, and he had this to say. “ The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water. Thou hast seen nothing yet."