Friday, 19 February 2016

Ferals save the BAcon

In a surprise move, the Feral population of Tripe Island has agreed to pack up their boats and move out of the boat basin that is not allowed to have boats in it.

Explaining the move, Roger Bush commented “It is clear that the Blessed Authority was about to run out of money. Local Members of Parliament have already taken their begging bowls to Westmunster pleading poverty for the cash-stricken Blessed Authority, so we thought that we’d cut it a little slack.”

Our intrepid shrimp asked “Where will all the boats go?”

“Well, we’ll find somewhere for them, I’m sure. There’s a nice bit of green just up the river, I expect they will go there. It’s particularly handy for the pub and bus stop. “

Secret plans to raise funds for the Blessed Authority are now expected to be put on-hold. One such plan was the privatisation of the man-made river that links the Rivers Yeorght and Wovenly and saves a four hour jaunt to the estuary.

Our shrimpy spies learned that the idea had been in place for many years with previous interested parties having been refused permission for development on more than one occasion. However, a new tendering process is thought to now be at an advanced stage with the preferred bidder, Cully Smithe Industries. CSI is thought to be examining new ways to leverage funds from the captive floating audience and secret plans leaked to our shrimp suggest that already CSI has already given the green light to build toll booths at either end.

Quizzed on the leaked plans to raise much needed funds, Andre Short, the Blessed Authority’s Head of Obscure Reasoning, stated “The annual windfall is just around the corner; in a few short weeks we’ll be laughing all the way to the brown paper bag under the floorboards.”

In a verbal statement, Dr Pikeman said “It is quite ridiculous to think that the Blessed Authority would ever consider surrendering control of any of the waters after we have gone to such lengths gaining control of them in the first place. However, I can confirm that we are investigating certain options with our ‘Preferred Partners’. But you can rest-assured that any money raised will be sunk back into the river system.”

“For instance, one plan works very well with our recycling initiative. You see, we are in talks with the County Council about taking the white lines off some of the road network making use of them as lane markers for holiday vessels. Naturally, we will have to remove the toxins from the paint before installation.”

However, there remain other financial pressures at Yeorght House; not least its stocks of Moet getting dangerously low.

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