Tuesday 16 August 2016

Best Friends Forever

The general public and interested stakeholders were informed last week that the little Yeoman "Gremlin II", who had been jointly owned by the blessed grandmother and her non-Facebook BFF (Best Friend Forever) Head of Blessed Planning, has been placed in full care of Granny Spokesperson and will now be re-branded "Gremlin".

The ladies have been quick to re-assure us that “nothing whatsoever will change” and “our friendship is stronger than ever before” - and that planning committee meetings will not witness “cat fights” over who gets to sail the little boat on alternate weekends.

"The custody arrangements are quite amicable and we just want to keep our friendship out of the constant media spotlight" they told our reporter. "Like most celebrity couples we crave the privacy and normality less important people than us enjoy."

“But hang on a minute", said our hack, "isn't the whole purpose of the staff/member protocol to ensure the public can have confidence that staff and members aren’t forging relationships that could impair their professional relationship and judgement?”

“As I said, our friendship is stronger than ever…”

“You’re not listening Granny. The public interest is in making sure that Authority decisions are properly scrutinised by an independent panel of members, not in whether you two still get on.”

“Our friendship is stronger than ever and there’s nothing to see here…”

“For goodness sake, can you please listen? The. Public Want. To. Know. That. You. Can Reach Planning. Decisions. Independently. From.Your. Friend's. Influence.”

“My BFF and I want to assure all Authority stakeholders that we will remain firm friends regardless of who owns our little boat…“

“But can the public have confidence…”

“Of course the public can have complete confidence that we will not fight over the boat at planning committee meetings.”

Dr Pikeman has confirmed that the purchase was authorised by a previous monitoring officer - shortly before he disappeared in mysterious circumstances. "The staff / member protocol is being refreshed by his replacement's replacement," he said "and I would like to give stakeholders my absolute assurance that I will include sufficient loopholes so that statutory functions and duties of the Authority do not interfere with this beautiful friendship."