Friday 11 November 2016

Members disciplined at Mockyard "Torture Tent"

Police investigating screams heard across the Yeurgh valley this month have discovered that a gigantic riverside tent is being used as a Blessed Disciplinary Chamber for errant Members.

Pitched alongside the Blessed Mockyard, the tent - which does not have planning consent and can be seen from space - is estimated to be 100 cubits in height and was originally designed to house the Spirit of Boredom - if it could be coaxed under the bridges of Yarco at a low enough tide.

The £750,000 'flagship' Mockyard is famous for having the world's smallest boat house, which was fatally compromised by Blessed Planners who first insisted on putting offices above the workshop, before complaining that the end result was too tall. Desperate to start building before Members could find out, the height was reduced before anyone realised that the dimensions on the plans were in millimeters rather than inches - resulting in a workshop which could only accommodate scale models of the intended vessels. Unable to find staff sufficiently short to work there, Blessed Officers acquired a rather taller tent which not only has room to accommodate a vessel with the cabin still attached, but with the mast and sails aloft too.

But the unauthorised tent has a double life. We can exclusively reveal this week that it is hired at weekends by Granny Spokesperson for 'disciplinary' purposes - making full use of the suite of high intensity lighting, lifting chains and shackles. It's understood that her first 'invited guest' was local leprechaun and sailor Wilky O'Brian, who had upset her Highness by attempting to stand up for boat owners who were inexplicably affronted by her proposal to slap a wealth tax on gin palaces and historic sailing cruisers. "I've been very disappointed with Wilky," she said, "his members have had plenty of opportunities to be ignored during the token review process, so it's far too late for him to start complaining now."

"What part of 'collective responsibility' does he not understand?" she added, before being consoled with a round of drinks from her pet poodle.

Blessed Planners have confirmed that they are aware of 'a small two man tent' alongside the Mockyard, but that it "will probably have gone by the time we get around to looking at it, as we are rather busy at the moment." The unnamed source said that enforcement action for the unauthorised development "would not be expedient, as our Equal Persecution Policy does not apply to Blessed developments."

"It's not as though it's a bloody phone box or something, is it" said the spokesperson.