Tuesday 8 May 2018

Blessed White Elephant Planned for Axle

Axle is set to become the official centre of the Blessed National Park, as the Authority announced plans to build the world’s most costly café on the banks of the River Bile at Axle Bridge.

Sitting opposite two other watering holes, Blessed Members believe that there’s still demand for a third riverside hostelry, but with the unique selling point of not having any beer. “We have a duty to make the Broads as safe and joyless as possible” said so-called Chair Granny Burgess “and the market for alcohol-free riverside cafés is inexplicably under-served by the market. For just £750,000, we believe that we can create a world-class and profitable landmark tea and cake shop.”

The Blessed Authority routinely refuses consent for any form of development in the flood plain - including a glamping site directly opposite - but such restrictions will magically disappear for the Authority’s own latest scheme. “We can put the plug sockets above flood level and use waterproof cladding” said Dr Pikeman, “so I don’t see what the fuss is about.”

Last year, highways lodged a hefty objection to the creation of Poopoo’s restaurant on the other side of the bridge, on road safety grounds - usually the kiss of death to any private development. For reasons which have suddenly become apparent, however, the Blessed Authority comprehensively ignored the safety objections and gave consent. After all, even they would have difficulty giving themselves permission for a development by the bridge, having just refused someone else.

The proposed budget is strangely similar to that other famous white elephant, the Blessed Mockyard, which Dr Pikeman was quick to defend. “That was three quarters of a million pounds well spent” he said. “We never intended to get a boat in there anyway - we have a temporary tent for that - but moving the offices out of a portacabin and on to the first floor means that the staff have a much nicer view.”

When asked if Blessed Members had authorised the budget for Axle’s Super Caff, he merely replied “not yet, but they don’t have a choice now that I’ve told everyone, mwahahaha.”