Wednesday 7 February 2024

Blessed Authority On Target For Net Zero

A decades-old mystery surrounding the rapidly-reducing depth of the Blessed Rivers has been solved, following a surprise claim from Dr Pikeman that the Authority was meeting its target to dredge all rivers to 1.8m above high water level.

At a flooding meeting organised by local MP Duncan Doughnuts, the Blessed Chief Executive claimed not only that the silt in the Lower Bure was now comfortably above water level, but that he’d witnessed this himself, from an actual boat.

Challenged by Billy Day, who described the state of the once mighty river upstream of Yarco-mouth as “little more than a muddy ditch”, the Blessed Chief confirmed that maintenance work had been carried out as recently as 7 years ago, when annual dredging volumes were 50,000 cubic metres. “We’ve managed to get that below 30,000 this year,” he stated proudly, “and we’re on target to reach net zero by 2030”.

Visitor moorings also fall under the Net Zero Strategy and, although the Blessed Authority has historically contracted the Environment Agency to remove mooring facilities, some locations have proven surprisingly resilient. To complete the Net Zero project, the strategy calls for the Authority to fall out with at least one landowner every year, so it can save the maintenance cost and blame greedy landlords for the loss of moorings.

The third thread of the Strategy relates to removing trees which are a hazard to navigation - for which the Authority purchased the Blessed Tree Shears a few years ago at great expense, without the knowledge of the Divine Ecologist who was on holiday. “I'm pleased to say that the shears have now been banned and, as a result, we have achieved our net zero target for tree removal in the so-called navigation area 6 years early” said the Ecologist.

Taken together, the reduction in dredging, mooring provision and tree management means that tolls income can now be spent on other more important projects. However, when quizzed about the redistribution of navigation income, Puppet Chair Dick Bilson rallied around his master and accused his critics of inventing conspiracy theories and fake news to reduce the high levels of trust in the Blessed Authority.

“Increasing tolls to make up for a reduced Notional Park grant doesn’t mean that tolls are being used to make up for a reduced Notional Park grant,” he confirmed, “and anyway it’s only the price of a round of drinks.”

He did confirm, though, that the Blessed Authority is well on its way to achieving its target of Net Zero Navigation expenditure by 2030, so that it can spend the tolls on preserving the jobs of ecologists, lawyers and enforcement officers instead.