Saturday 13 February 2016

Trust in me

Our Shrimpy Spies have today seen a new “Acme” delivery to the Blessed Authority’s headquarters, Yeorght House. A number of large boxes labelled “Ultimate Comfort Executive Ejector Seat” were taken in through the main entrance and some hours of banging and clattering could be heard thereafter.

Our Inside Shrimp tells us that this is all part of a new, super-secret plan to allow the swift removal of members who question the decisions of the higher officials and leadership team which has been in receipt of some eye-opening comments in recent times.

Gleefully accepting an opportunity to play down such a suggestion, the Blessed Authority’s leader, Dr Pikeman carefully and purposely stated, “The Blessed Authority takes very seriously the views of our members. We welcome opinions that are at odds with our own, as it allows us to quickly establish who will and won’t follow our hidden agendas. The new meeting room furniture was thought to be a more cost effective solution than air conditioning in the coming hot summer months. Won’t you come in and try one?”

Accepting the invitation to try out the new seats, our Shrimp reporter was soon in a large, quiet meeting room with subdued lighting and a large clock suspended from the ceiling over a table with piano black finish. Each chair seemed to have a “loft hatch” above it. Quickly seated, our intrepid Shrimp was soon relaxed by the gentle massaging effect of the executive leather. Dr Pikeman explained, taking on a whimsical tone, “You see, my dear shrimpy, we’re one big happy family here at the Blessed Authority.”

In a dark corner of the room, something murmured quietly to itself.

Dr Pikeman’s voice became milder and his skin appeared to be glistening; his body slightly extended, elongated. “We want all our members to have a gooood time here and just let the executivess get on with the hard work; we’re unlike any other organisation you have ever been in; you should conssider joining. You are feeling ssleepy.”

Dr Pikeman, sat on the table in front of our Shrimp and slithered around a little, leaving a glistening trail behind him. “Just back from the Sargassso! Beautiful place, I go every year or sso.”

At that point, the silence was broken by a rather tipsy couple bursting into the room, each carrying a bottle of Moet. Dr Pikeman contorted and spun around hissing his disapproval. In unison, both muttered “yess maassther” and vanished. With the door open, it was clear that there was much merriment being had elsewhere in Yeorght House, but absolute silence resumed when the door was closed once again.

Dropping his voice, Dr Pikeman resumed “Ssorry about that, my dear friend. Just ssome of our other memberss having a gooood time. “, he tapped the side of his nose twice with his index fin. “Now where wass I? Oh yess, you sshould consider joining, I can ssee that you’d really enjoy not working here, there really is sso little to do apart from ssign the occasshional, ssleeeeeepy, document, throw partiess and enjoy yoursshelf”.

Our shrimp could feel himself being very “relaxed”; the huge clock face was gently swaying.

Suddenly, our intrepid shrimp was awoken by the custom ring tone of a mobile phone; “Another One Bites the Dust” was quickly dismissed by the Doctor, but the spell was lost; the clock face abruptly stopped swaying and Dr Pikeman struggled back into his usual fishy form and, barely audibly, muttered, “and you’re back in the room”.

Quickly, an old lady appeared from the darkness towards the back of the room and polished the slime on the table leaving a deep shine on the surface.

Slightly disorientated, our Evasive Shrimp quickly extricated himself from the chair, made his apologies scurried for the door. Behind him there was a sharp “ptoooiiinnnnggg” followed by “Blasst!”.

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