Tuesday 31 July 2018

Blessed Moorings and Coffee Mornings

As if further evidence was needed of its detachment from reality, the Blessed Authority has recently banned a holidaymaker from running a Macmillan Coffee Morning from a 24 hour visitor mooring.

The holidaymaker had the full support of Robertsons, the hire boat’s owner, but thought it would be nice to ask for Blessed Permission as a courtesy - never expecting to be turned down.

Heavy-handed enforcement has become an integral feature of the Blessed Mooring Reduction Policy, with rangers no longer able to exercise sensible discretion over well-intentioned rules. “Trading from visitor moorings isn’t permitted” said Dr Pikeman, “and by stretching the wording of the regulations to the absolute limits of the English language, we’ve managed to define a charity coffee morning as a trade, cleverly preventing Macmillan Cancer Support from raising a few extra pounds.”

The decision follows the news that dozens of visitors to the Broads will be denied the experience of sailing on an Edwardian wherry next month, because the Blessed Authority won’t reserve a mooring for the historic yacht. “Reserving a mooring for a heritage asset for a few hours would obviously be grossly unfair” said new vice chairman Dick Bilson, “especially when they pay such a cheap toll. What even is a wherry anyway?”

The Blessed Management Forum, a hitherto unknown executive group which makes decisions on behalf of members without their knowledge, made a similar ruling earlier this year when it refused to reserve a mooring for a Three Rivers Race Guard Ship at Axlebridge - potentially affecting the safety of competitors in the 24 hour endurance race. “We would love to have helped but decided not to” said Dr Pikeman. “What even is the Three Rivers Race anyway?”

Despite the restrictions affecting safety boats, historic wherries and charity coffee mornings, it was confirmed that workboats owned by the Blessed Authority can continue to be moored for weeks at a time on visitor moorings around the Broads - in flagrant breach of the rules. “You can’t stop Project Pikeman” said new chairman Temper Turtle. “Even if every toll payer, visitor, cancer sufferer and survivor writes to members, it won’t make the slightest difference. What even is accountability anyway?”

Friday 27 July 2018

Blessed Stakeholders Told To Get Stuffed

A retired copper and a disgraced former ambassador have been elected to the top jobs at the Blessed Authority.

Temper Turtle agreed to take over the baton from Granny Burgess, on condition that she would continue to whisper in his ear from behind the scenes and remind him of the common purpose.

Dick “Round of Drinks” Bilson, meanwhile, moves into the vice chairman spot vacated by Turtle, who replaced Sir Dick Peterson one meeting ago.

Their election comes in spite of a brave and spirited attempt to bring accountability to the Blessed Authority by blonde bombshell Henna Larson, who stood on a ticket of improving stakeholder engagement and paying attention to the peer review recommendations.

Despite presenting members with her vision for a better future for the Blessed Authority, openly supported by every senior stakeholder in the entire Broads, members voted for Turtle, whose manifesto read “Everything she said but minus the politics, so vote for me”. Turtle and Larson are both tory councillors.

Chairing her last 5 minutes of Blessed Meeting, Granny accused members of fixating on the wrong sentence of the peer review report. “I told you it was about common purpose” she yelled “and not about a comprehensive review of stakeholder engagement. When will you listen?”

The election was widely seen as a chance to change direction, after the fiasco of shutting down the Blessed Forum and generally ignoring the peer review. But members decided to stick with what they know, as it’s easier than thinking and listening.

“The lobbying from these so-called stakeholders was intolerable” said Turtle. “It’s bad enough being bullied by a 5 foot blonde bird, and my boss. I’m not listening to any Blessed Outsiders and refuse to be told what to do except by Dr Pikeman and Granny” he said, before waddling off like a lame duck.