Thursday 24 December 2015

Tripe Island - The Full Feral Facts

An Official Press Statement from the Blessed Authority


Planning consent is at the heart of the issue at Tripe Island. The landowner Roger Bush has flouted our special interpretation of planning laws by refusing to ask permission for something which already has permission. We ask any person who we don't like to do this, as it gives us a thrill. Instead, for four years he has continued to allow boats to moor in his marina, as though the mere existence of planning permission and a legal agreement with ourselves requiring the marina to be used for the mooring of boats could imply that we condone any such activity.

We have tried to work with him over the years to avoid action but to no avail. Despite our repeated assurances that we would turn down any new request for mooring boats in his mooring basin, he failed to make an application for us to refuse. Last year, despite our best efforts, Mr Bush was told he could have permission for 25 boat moorings - though this was subject to deliberately impossible conditions, which he inexplicably rejected. Mr Bush must learn that he is not above the law - only the Blessed Authority is above the law.

The situation has been misrepresented, it is absolutely not an attempt to “gentrify” or “socially cleanse”, in fact we have a long and proud history of banning promoting residential moorings throughout the Broads. The accusation that we are building a marina is completely fabricated, as we wouldn't know where to start. Our concern is simply that we can't ignore a bunch of nimbys who bought expensive houses by the river but don't like boats. They asked us to persecute Mr Bush, it seemed like a good idea at the time and we think it's £110,000 of your taxes well spent.

No-one is being evicted over Christmas, and we can't understand why a hand-delivered letter from a public authority asking residents to leave could possibly be construed as anything other than a friendly Yuletide greeting. After we've enjoyed our Christmas break we will of course return to cleansing the island with renewed vigour.

Electricity and water

We were not aware until recently that Mr Bush was supplying electricity and water, even though he did tell us. We now know that the supply is through solar panels installed on a small trailer which we like to call a large container. This "container" has been part of the persecution case since it started in 2011, and we still want it removed even though we can't say why. Mr Bush did apply for planning permission for this "container" but it made our brains hurt to think about it, so we sent his form back.

Complaint against Blessed Authority Chairman

The Authority’s Monitoring Officer will fully investigate the allegations against Chairperson Granny Spokesperson. We can categorically and unreservedly state now however that she did not describe the residents of Thorpe Island as ‘feral’, the word she used was in fact 'savages'.

Although she did make a comment about shanty towns, this was made in the context of singing jolly sea shanties in her new jointly owned boat and had nothing to do with Tripe Island. We did run the boat purchase past our Monitoring Officer on his last day before leaving the Blessed Authority in disgust, and he said "do what you like, it's not like you pay any attention to anything I tell you anyway." 

We would like to wish everyone living on Tripe Island a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

A shanty town, yesterday
In the interests of balance, the original unedited version of 'Full Facts' can be found here on the Blessed Authority's website.

Friday 11 December 2015

The Wrong Policy

What happens when the wrong sort of person uses the right sort of policy? Well that’s exactly what happened at the Blessed Authority last week and your faithful reporter Fenny the Fen Raft Spider was there to bring you this exclusive story first.

I crept into the Waveney Room and settled comfortably on my favourite chair. As a rare and charismatic species, I have a duty to look after myself properly, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“Application for determination Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have a Tea House Because My Agent Is A Former Employee Of The Authority?”, the first application was duly announced.

“Excuse me Sir, It’s against planning policy to approve this one”, piped up a lesser amongst equals.

“Not to worry”, said a Blessed One. “The agent is an all round smashing guy and we love everything he does. “

“Approved” chorused the Members.

“And now application Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have Some Residential Moorings You Told Me You Were Comfortable With back in June?” , the second application was obviously going to be interesting. “Applicant is Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter and I would like to declare on behalf of the Authority, that we’re not allowed to like him much at all. “

A low muttering could be heard from the Member’s side of the room. I thought I could faintly hear the words “chancer” and “not again” and knew instantly I was right to risk life and limb to be here.

“Well,”, said a Blessed One, “we thought we were comfortable with this application, but it turns out we don’t think he’s the right sort of person to be using one of our policies and if we let him use it, he’ll bring his friends and they’ll all start wanting to use our policies to get what they want. It just won’t do. We’d be setting a dangerous precedent. ”

A typical Broads "live aboard", yesterday
“Refuse it!”, whispered Dr. Pikeman. “There’ll be nothing but trouble if you don’t. “

“But we can’t”, moaned a spokesperson. “We can’t let it get out in the public domain that we make promises and then go back on them. ”

“It’s already in the public domain”, I heard a gravelly voice growl, as I scrambled for my life to avoid a rapidly descending posterior of a large man I hadn’t heard enter the room. I spun around to see, well, what a shock this was, none other than Roger Bush, the blighted owner of Tripe Island. I tell you now, my gentle friends, I quivered like a leaf on my many legs. Roger is in enough trouble already without having the wrath of the Divine Ecologist upon him for sitting on a rare species!
What would members do? Would they have the strength of character to determine the application on its merits? Or would they bow to their fear of setting a precedent and allowing Mr. Bush to get a piece of the action?

In the end, they did both.

Ignoring the screams of anguish from the floor above, the application was approved, but tied up in enough conditions to make a corkscrew proud.

I caught up with Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter in the pub afterwards, and he had this to say. “ The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water. Thou hast seen nothing yet."