Tuesday 5 January 2016

A watery success story

With Christmas behind us, it is a long standing tradition of the British pundit to look back over the year - and Fenny, the Fen Raft Spider, is here to bring you the best of the Blessed Authority’s achievements of 2015.

Hoveton Great Broad is an outstanding 2015 Blessed Authority success story. In total almost £5M of public money will be spent on restoring a rich aristocrat’s private broad and despite persistent bleating of the assembled herd of Members, a petition signed by over 1500 people and the concept being fundamentally flawed, the Authority - charged with looking after navigation interests by an Act of Parliament - failed to negotiate a public right of navigation … why? Speculation is rife and the Authority’s Spokesperson strenuously denies that the Authority didn’t criticise the Heritage Lottery Fund in order to safeguard the Landscape Partnership bid. Rumours that Members had been asked not to comment on or sign the online petition were quashed when a lesser Member decided to break rank and speak out. “It’s really not true that Members aren’t allowed to talk to the public about what we do. We’re just advised not to for our own good.”

Building on the resounding success of the re-branding exercise, Members of the Blessed Authority found themselves stunned to learn that calling yourself a National Park, when you’re actually not, can be considered unlawful - despite your trusted officers’ opinions at the time. So, just to make sure officers weren’t wrong and Dr Pikeman doesn’t miss out on a knighthood when he retires, Members resolved to set aside roughly £60K of public money to the right and just cause of defending a name. Flattered by Members’ generosity of spirit to his retirement well-being, Dr Pikeman issued the following self deprecating statement: “Here at the Authority, we’re just trying to do our bit to protect rare and endangered species. Following Government cuts to Legal Aid, a number of London Barristers are in danger of disappearing altogether and I felt it was our duty to support this ‘at risk’ law society species from extinction.”

Thorpe Island with its latest campaign and petition must surely be the pinnacle of stakeholder engagement success for the Authority. Encouraged by some very wealthy local residents and an MP’s call for swift action, the Blessed Authority delivered its first attempt at a corporate Christmas Card to the feral unwashed on the island. A junior member of the team fell foul of auto-correct and predictive text on the work machine and the message “A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of Roger Bush’s tenants” catastrophically translated to “Will Roger Bush’s tenants please all leave the island to give us a Happy New Year”, perplexing the population into fighting its corner and defending its rights against bully-boy tactics. Fortunately, the Blessed Authority gained some much needed media exposure and several columns of newspaper print. “It’s all a big misunderstanding”, said Granny Spokesperson, “ My distaste for shanty towns is well known and documented, however, as I will be deemed unfit for public office if I stand by my statements, I might as well change my mind to protect my position on the Authority. Who’s for mediation, chaps?”

Finally, I have news on Eddie, who was considered by many to be the founding father of this news bulletin. The poor fish, who had no idea his identity had been stolen, is settling into blissful anonymity and middle aged respectability. RIP Eddie.

Of course, Eduardo the imposter is busier than he’s ever been. Applications for new contributors to the bulletin are being considered, please email the Pike with expressions of interest by 15th January 2016.

Happy New Year to you all!

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