Friday 11 December 2015

The Wrong Policy

What happens when the wrong sort of person uses the right sort of policy? Well that’s exactly what happened at the Blessed Authority last week and your faithful reporter Fenny the Fen Raft Spider was there to bring you this exclusive story first.

I crept into the Waveney Room and settled comfortably on my favourite chair. As a rare and charismatic species, I have a duty to look after myself properly, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“Application for determination Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have a Tea House Because My Agent Is A Former Employee Of The Authority?”, the first application was duly announced.

“Excuse me Sir, It’s against planning policy to approve this one”, piped up a lesser amongst equals.

“Not to worry”, said a Blessed One. “The agent is an all round smashing guy and we love everything he does. “

“Approved” chorused the Members.

“And now application Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have Some Residential Moorings You Told Me You Were Comfortable With back in June?” , the second application was obviously going to be interesting. “Applicant is Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter and I would like to declare on behalf of the Authority, that we’re not allowed to like him much at all. “

A low muttering could be heard from the Member’s side of the room. I thought I could faintly hear the words “chancer” and “not again” and knew instantly I was right to risk life and limb to be here.

“Well,”, said a Blessed One, “we thought we were comfortable with this application, but it turns out we don’t think he’s the right sort of person to be using one of our policies and if we let him use it, he’ll bring his friends and they’ll all start wanting to use our policies to get what they want. It just won’t do. We’d be setting a dangerous precedent. ”

A typical Broads "live aboard", yesterday
“Refuse it!”, whispered Dr. Pikeman. “There’ll be nothing but trouble if you don’t. “

“But we can’t”, moaned a spokesperson. “We can’t let it get out in the public domain that we make promises and then go back on them. ”

“It’s already in the public domain”, I heard a gravelly voice growl, as I scrambled for my life to avoid a rapidly descending posterior of a large man I hadn’t heard enter the room. I spun around to see, well, what a shock this was, none other than Roger Bush, the blighted owner of Tripe Island. I tell you now, my gentle friends, I quivered like a leaf on my many legs. Roger is in enough trouble already without having the wrath of the Divine Ecologist upon him for sitting on a rare species!
What would members do? Would they have the strength of character to determine the application on its merits? Or would they bow to their fear of setting a precedent and allowing Mr. Bush to get a piece of the action?

In the end, they did both.

Ignoring the screams of anguish from the floor above, the application was approved, but tied up in enough conditions to make a corkscrew proud.

I caught up with Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter in the pub afterwards, and he had this to say. “ The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water. Thou hast seen nothing yet."

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