Friday 26 February 2016

You can't have your Pike and Leak it

A leaked email from the executive office at the Blessed Authority has found its way to our watery desks. Alluding to an end of happier times at Yeorght House, the email threatens to stem the flow of Moet to any member who is found to have an opinion of their own. Just days after, the threat was carried out when Jimmy Day was shot out of a newly installed "Acme" injector seat before even being given the opportunity to see the error of his ways and chant "Yesss, masssther".

An excerpt from the email reads: “If members are supporting the petition to save Tripe Island or helping to fund the opposition to the Blessed Authority’s contrived unanimous agreed position on Tripe Island, this will undermine public confidence and is likely to damage the reputation and credibility of the Local Planning Authority.”

The email goes on, “I must remind you that this is the job of the executive office alone. We have been doing it successfully for many years without unwelcome members meddling.”

The long running dispute between the Tripe Ferals and the Blessed Authority has already cost the quango in excess of £100,000, a fact not lost on Dr Pikeman who went on to say that “Opposition such as this could lead rise to a legal challenge which we simply can’t afford without having to employ trolls at all bridges. Also, the champagne cellar is nearly empty. Even if you don’t like Moet, think of those that do!”

This latest revelation follows a number of high-profile events in recent weeks surrounding the eviction of Ferals from the boat basin on Tripe Island and must be a worry for the long-term viability of a gong for Dr Pikeman.

Commenting on the email, Barry Shed, leader of the Ferals, “Things don’t seem to be going very well for Dr Pikeman at the moment; perhaps the only gong he’ll be getting soon is the one for dinner; I understand Pike is a bit of a delicacy”.

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