Blessed Solicitor Bails Out

Hairy Davies, the Blessed Solicitor and Monitoring Officer has decided to call it a day, after a record breaking 28 months in the post.

The resignation came a month ago, but Blessed Chair Temper Turtle decided not to inform Blessed Members for security reasons, and because none of them would be interested anyway. “He’s only the solicitor” he said. “It’s not like he’s had much to do these last few years”.

Routinely forced to risk his professional reputation by ignoring the law and abusing the Authority’s own processes, Davies finally threw in the towel when asked to make new rules to clamp down on complaints. “I’ve had to re-define so many words that there’s now a Blessed Dictionary on every desk” he said. “‘Defamatory’ now means ‘anything that makes us cry’ and ‘unreasonable’ operates on a sliding scale depending on who’s doing the accusing.”

“The new policy is caused by changing public attitudes rather than our actions” said sacked Chair and so-called “Professor” Granny Burgess. “So we must do more to explain to stakeholders why they are always wrong.”

Her apprentice Temper Turtle agreed. “Unfortunately, the number of complaints has exploded, so we must find new and imaginative ways of dismissing them without investigation, rather than trying to understand why so many people are complaining about us” he said.

Blessed Benevolence

“As a responsible employer, we have a duty to protect our staff from criticism, no matter how justified it might be” commented Dr Pikeman. “Under the new rules, we can dismiss complaints out of hand rather than waste time covering up incompetence.”

“Intimidation of Blessed Officers has always been unacceptable,” he said “and now, under my new rules, we are redefining ‘intimidation’ to mean ‘disagreeing with an officer or pointing out that they are wrong.’ Better to dismiss the complaint than the officer - we have more than enough people leaving as it is.”

Shoot the messenger

“We must remain free to bully people and make up arbitrary policy on the hoof without the risk of being held accountable” Pikeman explained to a group of Blessed Sheep last week. “So we should always focus on the person doing the complaining, and where they got their evidence. Any complaint which refers to unofficial recordings or photographs taken in public places will automatically be dismissed.”

Other grounds for ignoring a complaint include mentioning it to your MP, DEFRA or the National Audit Office, speaking to the press, publishing your concerns on social media or telling your Mum.

It’s been confirmed that anyone using all three stages of the Authority’s complaints process will automatically be deemed a persistent complainant. “I get seriously bored with the repetitive inanity in these intemperate and highly objectionable complaints” grumbled Dick “Vice” Bilson. “All criticism is intolerable and the Authority will decline to engage with anyone who indulges in it.”

Pikeman Strikes Back

In an audacious move designed to strike terror into the hearts of residents, businesses and councils, Dr Pikeman has announced his plan for the annexation of 93 Blessed Parishes, in an attempted land grab dubbed “Operation Crimea”.

Smarting from criticism that the Blessed Executive Area isn’t large enough to justify it’s own planning department, Pikeman plans to wrest vast swathes of land from the districts and bring them under the control of his dysfunctional Authority - for the purpose of “improving engagement” with landowners and residents.

“Co-operating with neighbouring Authorities has always been a challenge for us,” said Dr Pikeman, “and by taking over their territory, we won’t have to.”

“Our research suggests that we can expect strong support from Parish Councils for this enlargement of my personal fiefdom” he went on, “as well as from Natural England who we think will be grateful to cede control of nature reserves and Sites of Special Scientific Interest to me, in pursuit of my Blessed Purpose.”

Hand In Glover

The fiendish plan is part of the Blessed Response to the Mitten Review of Notional Perks, which Dr Pikeman hopes will give him the status he craves.  “The only thing stopping me from being Chief Executive of a proper Notional Perk is this wretched navigation nonsense” explained Pikeman. “But I’ve worked out that, if I re-brand navigation as ‘recreation’, then we can get rid of the Blessed Third Purpose along with that infernal navigation committee and, hey presto, it’s hello Blessed Notional Perk.”

“As a bonus, I get my hands on all that lovely toll income” he said, drooling into his beard. “I need it to fund my huge AxleBridge Erection now that the budget has doubled.”

Blessed Planners Demand Flammable Cladding

A home owner in Mehstead has been told to rip the cladding off his new self-catering holiday property because it can’t catch fire and is too long-lasting to be sustainable.

Blessed Officers told members last week that the fake timber was a pale imitation of the real thing. “The local building vernacular of the Broads features dilapidated and rotting structures requiring constant maintenance” said one, “and their gradual decay complements our policy of managed decline.”

“The use of materials which will still be around in 20 years is considered inappropriate”, the Blessed Spokesperson continued. “Our policy that materials must be ‘high quality and sustainable’ obviously means ‘must rot and fall apart quickly’, and we’re confident that the planning appeal inspector will agree - despite us having already lost an appeal on uPVC windows last year.”

Officers went on to say that they’d looked at the price of renting out the house and that the £13,000 cost of replacing the cladding would easily be funded by next summer’s income, in fact by their reckoning the building will already have paid for itself by then. [The same officers have worked out the business case for building the AxleBridge Visitor Centre].

Blessed opinions were divided. “You can’t even see the cladding from the river, it’s 75 metres away” pointed out voice of reason Tommy Vicarson, but was pooh-poohed by Blessed Vice Chairman Dick Bilson. “You don’t even own a boat” he said. “I’ve got a boat and I can see the difference with my eyes shut. Anyway, the owner can obviously afford to replace the cladding, it will only cost the price of a round of drinks in a Mongolian brothel”. 

Blessed Chair Temper Turtle said that if the Authority allowed the cladding to stay then the Broads would descend into “planarchy”, where giant ‘temporary’ structures could still remain after 3 years without enforcement action, or huge visitor centres could be erected on riverside farmland against every conceivable policy.  Bilson agreed. “We can’t have the integrity of our planning department compromised” he said, with a straight face. 

Henna Larson apologised for the Authority’s incompetence and advised the applicant to appeal. “It’s just bloody amateur hour here every time” she said, as her familiar nodded in agreement from the floor.

AxleBridge Deb-acle Continues

Details continue to emerge of Dr Pikeman’s latest ego trip, the Broads National Pike Visitor Experience at AxleBridge.

Usually, an organisation would identify a need, develop a business plan and set a budget before buying land and selecting a design. But the Blessed Pikeman Principles permit a very different process:

1. Identify a “business opportunity” in the shape of a dilapidated riverside shack.
2. Purchase it using navigation funds on the pretext of providing public moorings.

3. Entice members with the concept of a coffee shop, showers and other boating facilities.

4. Decide to build a “landmark” visitor centre instead and announce a £750,000 budget without asking members first.
5. Beat off hordes of architects, all hungry for a big cut of public money.

The design selected on behalf of members swallows half the moorings, lacks any boating facilities at all, occupies more land than the Blessed Authority owns and can’t be built within the budget which was never agreed anyway.

“This was always the plan” said Blessed Chair Temper Turtle. “An education centre is essential for people like Dick Bilson and myself who don’t know anything about the Broads, and Yarco Council are kindly gifting us a derelict toilet block by the bridge to convert into a yacht station - whatever that may be. Then we can buy a bit of arable land next door to build John’s visitor centre, which I've decided to call ‘The Granny Annex’ in honour of my wonderful predecessor.”

At July’s Blessed Meeting, members bravely started to question the need for Turtle’s Granny Annex, pointing out the lack of a business case and raising concerns about the design. But Dr Pikeman cleverly convinced them that it wasn’t their job to agree either the principle or the design, because that would give them a conflict of interest when they had to approve it at planning committee. Instead, an outside consultant will be paid to invent a business case and the executive will agree the design with the architect.

“We need to keep members out of this process until the very end, to protect them from any risk of pre-determination” said Dr Pikeman. “They can look at it when the designs are finished, by which time it will be far too difficult for them to turn it down” he continued. “I like to give members a clear choice of pissing public money up against the wall, or making an embarrassing u-turn - because they’ll go with spending the money every time. And, now that I’ve reduced the number of Blessed Meetings by 50%, I can probably get this all pushed through before the next one anyway!”

Dr Pikeman scoffed at the idea that it would be more appropriate for members to agree the project, and for Birdland District Council to determine the planning application. “Don’t be ridiculous” he said. “The whole thing is contrary to planning policy - and that’s even before we start trying to build it on a field. We’d never get planning permission if we let someone else determine it for us.”

And breathe…

Blessed stakeholders are being offered free places on a yoga workshop the Blessed Authority is organising in September.

“I have been practicing yoga for over a decade”, said Dr. Pikeman “and I find it very beneficial when I need to detach myself from the brutality of everyday life and the demands of my work. The Authority is comprehensively letting stakeholders down at every level and I feel that if only they could connect to their higher selves and stop thinking about dredging and spending public money sensibly, we would all be in a better place.”

The yoga workshop takes place on 22nd September at Twitlingham Dogging Park and every disgruntled stakeholder is being offered a free place - with those suffering legal proceedings or planning appeals or enforcement being offered a complimentary head and neck massage as well.

“I can highly recommend yoga as a way of reducing stress”, the newly elected Chair Temper Tantrum chipped in. “Dr Pikeman insists I meditate before every meeting to stop me bursting into tears and calling everyone a bully who doesn’t agree with me.”

Tickets are £10 for gullible Golden Triangle hipsters, all others free of charge.

Blessed Moorings and Coffee Mornings

As if further evidence was needed of its detachment from reality, the Blessed Authority has recently banned a holidaymaker from running a Macmillan Coffee Morning from a 24 hour visitor mooring.

The holidaymaker had the full support of Robertsons, the hire boat’s owner, but thought it would be nice to ask for Blessed Permission as a courtesy - never expecting to be turned down.

Heavy-handed enforcement has become an integral feature of the Blessed Mooring Reduction Policy, with rangers no longer able to exercise sensible discretion over well-intentioned rules. “Trading from visitor moorings isn’t permitted” said Dr Pikeman, “and by stretching the wording of the regulations to the absolute limits of the English language, we’ve managed to define a charity coffee morning as a trade, cleverly preventing Macmillan Cancer Support from raising a few extra pounds.”

The decision follows the news that dozens of visitors to the Broads will be denied the experience of sailing on an Edwardian wherry next month, because the Blessed Authority won’t reserve a mooring for the historic yacht. “Reserving a mooring for a heritage asset for a few hours would obviously be grossly unfair” said new vice chairman Dick Bilson, “especially when they pay such a cheap toll. What even is a wherry anyway?”

The Blessed Management Forum, a hitherto unknown executive group which makes decisions on behalf of members without their knowledge, made a similar ruling earlier this year when it refused to reserve a mooring for a Three Rivers Race Guard Ship at Axlebridge - potentially affecting the safety of competitors in the 24 hour endurance race. “We would love to have helped but decided not to” said Dr Pikeman. “What even is the Three Rivers Race anyway?”

Despite the restrictions affecting safety boats, historic wherries and charity coffee mornings, it was confirmed that workboats owned by the Blessed Authority can continue to be moored for weeks at a time on visitor moorings around the Broads - in flagrant breach of the rules. “You can’t stop Project Pikeman” said new chairman Temper Turtle. “Even if every toll payer, visitor, cancer sufferer and survivor writes to members, it won’t make the slightest difference. What even is accountability anyway?”

Blessed Stakeholders Told To Get Stuffed

A retired copper and a disgraced former ambassador have been elected to the top jobs at the Blessed Authority.

Temper Turtle agreed to take over the baton from Granny Burgess, on condition that she would continue to whisper in his ear from behind the scenes and remind him of the common purpose.

Dick “Round of Drinks” Bilson, meanwhile, moves into the vice chairman spot vacated by Turtle, who replaced Sir Dick Peterson one meeting ago.

Their election comes in spite of a brave and spirited attempt to bring accountability to the Blessed Authority by blonde bombshell Henna Larson, who stood on a ticket of improving stakeholder engagement and paying attention to the peer review recommendations.

Despite presenting members with her vision for a better future for the Blessed Authority, openly supported by every senior stakeholder in the entire Broads, members voted for Turtle, whose manifesto read “Everything she said but minus the politics, so vote for me”. Turtle and Larson are both tory councillors.

Chairing her last 5 minutes of Blessed Meeting, Granny accused members of fixating on the wrong sentence of the peer review report. “I told you it was about common purpose” she yelled “and not about a comprehensive review of stakeholder engagement. When will you listen?”

The election was widely seen as a chance to change direction, after the fiasco of shutting down the Blessed Forum and generally ignoring the peer review. But members decided to stick with what they know, as it’s easier than thinking and listening.

“The lobbying from these so-called stakeholders was intolerable” said Turtle. “It’s bad enough being bullied by a 5 foot blonde bird, and my boss. I’m not listening to any Blessed Outsiders and refuse to be told what to do except by Dr Pikeman and Granny” he said, before waddling off like a lame duck.