Tuesday 20 November 2018

Pikeman Strikes Back

In an audacious move designed to strike terror into the hearts of residents, businesses and councils, Dr Pikeman has announced his plan for the annexation of 93 Blessed Parishes, in an attempted land grab dubbed “Operation Crimea”.

Smarting from criticism that the Blessed Executive Area isn’t large enough to justify it’s own planning department, Pikeman plans to wrest vast swathes of land from the districts and bring them under the control of his dysfunctional Authority - for the purpose of “improving engagement” with landowners and residents.

“Co-operating with neighbouring Authorities has always been a challenge for us,” said Dr Pikeman, “and by taking over their territory, we won’t have to.”

“Our research suggests that we can expect strong support from Parish Councils for this enlargement of my personal fiefdom” he went on, “as well as from Natural England who we think will be grateful to cede control of nature reserves and Sites of Special Scientific Interest to me, in pursuit of my Blessed Purpose.”

Hand In Glover

The fiendish plan is part of the Blessed Response to the Mitten Review of Notional Perks, which Dr Pikeman hopes will give him the status he craves.  “The only thing stopping me from being Chief Executive of a proper Notional Perk is this wretched navigation nonsense” explained Pikeman. “But I’ve worked out that, if I re-brand navigation as ‘recreation’, then we can get rid of the Blessed Third Purpose along with that infernal navigation committee and, hey presto, it’s hello Blessed Notional Perk.”

“As a bonus, I get my hands on all that lovely toll income” he said, drooling into his beard. “I need it to fund my huge AxleBridge Erection now that the budget has doubled.”

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