Tuesday 31 July 2018

Blessed Moorings and Coffee Mornings

As if further evidence was needed of its detachment from reality, the Blessed Authority has recently banned a holidaymaker from running a Macmillan Coffee Morning from a 24 hour visitor mooring.

The holidaymaker had the full support of Robertsons, the hire boat’s owner, but thought it would be nice to ask for Blessed Permission as a courtesy - never expecting to be turned down.

Heavy-handed enforcement has become an integral feature of the Blessed Mooring Reduction Policy, with rangers no longer able to exercise sensible discretion over well-intentioned rules. “Trading from visitor moorings isn’t permitted” said Dr Pikeman, “and by stretching the wording of the regulations to the absolute limits of the English language, we’ve managed to define a charity coffee morning as a trade, cleverly preventing Macmillan Cancer Support from raising a few extra pounds.”

The decision follows the news that dozens of visitors to the Broads will be denied the experience of sailing on an Edwardian wherry next month, because the Blessed Authority won’t reserve a mooring for the historic yacht. “Reserving a mooring for a heritage asset for a few hours would obviously be grossly unfair” said new vice chairman Dick Bilson, “especially when they pay such a cheap toll. What even is a wherry anyway?”

The Blessed Management Forum, a hitherto unknown executive group which makes decisions on behalf of members without their knowledge, made a similar ruling earlier this year when it refused to reserve a mooring for a Three Rivers Race Guard Ship at Axlebridge - potentially affecting the safety of competitors in the 24 hour endurance race. “We would love to have helped but decided not to” said Dr Pikeman. “What even is the Three Rivers Race anyway?”

Despite the restrictions affecting safety boats, historic wherries and charity coffee mornings, it was confirmed that workboats owned by the Blessed Authority can continue to be moored for weeks at a time on visitor moorings around the Broads - in flagrant breach of the rules. “You can’t stop Project Pikeman” said new chairman Temper Turtle. “Even if every toll payer, visitor, cancer sufferer and survivor writes to members, it won’t make the slightest difference. What even is accountability anyway?”


  1. Utter spheroids. The majority of public staithes on the Broads were set up to facilitate trade. Local tradesmen were allowed to unload fuel bricks, manure, coal, produce, whatever they required to carry on their business. Freedom of use for holidaymakers is a relatively recent idea and probably a decent custom - however, it's not what public staithes were set up for at all. A Ranworth farmer wishing to unload manure from a wherry would be quite within his rights to moor it alongside at the public stiathe and unload by barrow. There would be absolutely nothing the BA could do about it and hard cheddar to the pleasure boats. That's why it was created!

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  3. No question about it, an 'officer' has brought the Authority into yet greater disrepute with this latest ruling. Now, if the new Chairman was to criticise that officer, as well he should, then he, the chairman, would surely be suspended, as has happened before to a committee member.

  4. I did not give up, this event is now being held at The Big Shop on Womack Staithe , Friday 28th September 10-2pm, all welcome