Please Hang Up And Try Again

The Blessed Authority's bumbling planning department plunged to new depths of incompetence this week when it decided that using a former phone box as a community information kiosk was "a material change of use requiring planning consent."

Our researchers had a quick look at the relevant legislation, and confirmed that Part 12 Class A of the General Development Order expressly permits parish councils to provide information kiosks under permitted development. But Officers were quick to invoke the Pikeman Principle, which states that planning laws do not apply to organisations which call themselves National Parks. Especially ones who have a large planning department and not enough planning applications to justify it.

"Under the Authority's Equal Persecution Policy, we can't be seen to be unduly lenient with parish councils," said a Blessed Spokesperson, "and - in the interests of fairness and transparency - we must ensure that we place as many arbitrary obstacles in their way as we do for boatyards and home owners. Where our policy conflicts with legislation, we may use 'differential interpretation' to justify our position, rather than admit that we might be wrong."

Providing information kiosks is a statutory function of parish councils, so Halvergate PC adopted the phone box, thinking it would be a good community use for an attractive but obsolete piece of history. But Blessed officers insisted that they should have been consulted - “We know all about information centres; in fact we've closed several over the years” they said.

The Blessed Authority have now designated the phone box as a Community Asset, giving the community the right to buy the phone box so that it can be retained as a 'payphone' (Google it, kids). "It doesn't matter that nobody needs phone boxes anymore" said the blessed spokesperson, “we must still preserve them for posterity - along with other anachronisms such as our planning department. Therefore, we will require a heritage statement to demonstrate how the proposed information kiosk would relate to the Halvergate Conservation Area, as well as an ecological survey, a landscaping plan, a traffic impact survey and of course a flood risk assessment including a flood evacuation plan.

Batphone

"Given the high probability of roosting bats in the phone box," continued the officer, "a protected species survey will be required. If there is no evidence of bats, then they will need to be encouraged using bat bricks, meaning that the development cannot be used during the roosting season of March to October. The information kiosk will of course still be available for use during the 4 months of winter."

Finally, the Blessed Authority will require a lengthy set of planning conditions to ensure that there are plenty of opportunities for future enforcement action if officers run out of work in the future, as seems to be the case right now.

Blessed U-Turn Imminent on Houseboat Tolls?

Our Yeorgt House spies have learned that the Blessed Authority may have to make a U-turn on tolls for houseboats in adjacent waters, after an appeal court confirmed that floating houses were 'homes on water' rather than vessels capable of navigation.

Confirming the 2015 judgement of the Crown Court, the appeal Judges said that a vessel must be navigable, and that if it wasn't navigable then it wasn't a vessel.

The judgement contradicts repeated assertions from the Blessed Authority that floating homes are vessels, after they attempted to re-categorise houseboats at Balls Basin in the Southern Broads as 'vessels liable to pay a toll'.

One brave owner, who challenged the re-classification, has received 4 different justifications from Blessed Officers. This is part of the normal BA complaints procedure, in which Officers have up to 3 chances to change their reasoning before a complaint can finally be taken to the Ombudsman. This is known internally as the 'grinding down' process, which is designed to ensure that - by the time a grievance reaches stage 3 - the complainant will be so exhausted or confused that they will simply give in.

In this case, Blessed Officers twice used the Authority's time-honoured tradition of adding words to Acts of Parliament (using Blink™) in the hope that nobody would notice. On one occasion, the owner was told that his property "qualified under the 2009 Act as a houseboat" - despite there being no reference to houseboats in the Act - and in another reply, the Act was misquoted to include a non-existent provision for 'anything which could be moved on water'. More recently, it was declared by Dr Pikeman himself that Officers could add any category of floating object to Parliament's definition of a 'vessel', by virtue of the Act including a reference to sailboards. If sailboards, then why not houseboats, goes the flawless argument, which presumably has been approved by the Authority's solicitor.

The new ruling appears to torpedo the Blessed position, by declaring beyond doubt that floating homes are not vessels. The decision follows similar judgements in America, as well as basic rules of common sense and the English language as we know it. However, officers remain stubborn to the last, claiming that they are the final arbiter when it comes to interpretation of terminology, rather than Parliament or the Courts. "In the case of the 2009 Act", said a Blessed Spokesperson, "we can safely ignore the intentions of Parliament, because we drafted the Bill and we know what we intended. And what we intended was to be able to interpret the provisions in any way we like."

Since the Blessed Authority's resources for legal action are effectively unlimited - and those of its customers are not - it's easy to bully most people into paying tolls, even when there is no legal basis to charge one. Officers may also choose to invoke the 'Pikeman' principle which says that Court judgements do not apply to organisations which call themselves National Parks, as they are thought to be above the law.

Amazingly, Blessed Members - and even Members of the Navigation Committee (who advise on tolls) - remain in blissful ignorance of the actions taken on their behalf by officers, as it's all done under Blessed Delegated Authority! And woe betide any Member who does start asking questions - the ejector seat awaits your pleasure, dear Member.

Punch and Jury

 

From the Spidery Recording Files #343 in May 2016…

“Damn it, I’m really in trouble now”, Granny sniffed into her mid-morning gin.

“What’s up now?”, asked Dr. Pikeman. “Don’t worry, I’ll cover your tracks for you whatever you get up to, I promise!”

“That pesky Monitoring Officer is allowing a code of conduct case against me to be investigated! I can’t be found guilty, that would ruin my career! I’ll never become Dame Granny if that happens…”

“Never fear, the Doctor is here. I know how to fix that one for you. At the next meeting in May, Members will be asked to rubber stamp an appointment process for the Independent Person who will preside over your code of conduct case. I’ll just tell them that you have to do the interviews with a bit of help from a couple of others, they’re all mostly fast asleep and won’t notice that they’ve put you in charge of appointing your own jury. It’ll be fine.”

“Really John? Can that be done? I get to choose the person who decides if I’m guilty of breaching the code of conduct? That’s brilliant, are you sure the Members won’t notice?”

“I promise you, they won’t notice.”

… recording ends here, probably due to a flat battery …

Well, I hope you all know I'm not kidding you. If you think the Pike blog is full of made up nonsense, think again. Check out the Blessed Authority’s agenda for Friday, 13th May 2016. The Authority resolved to appoint Prof Jacquie Burgess, Sir Peter Dixon and Guy McGregor to conduct interviews for the Independent Person in code of conduct cases. Did the compromised lady in question ever bat an eyelid? No. Did she perhaps put her hand up and say, “Sorry, I might not be the best person to sit in on these interviews as I’m personally compromised”? No. The Authority is as broken as it’s ever been and worse.

Till the next time, when Granny appoints her best chums from the body of Members to help the “independent” person decide her fate…

Keep swimming!

Fenny

Maintaining rivers not our job, says body charged with maintaining rivers

Members of the Blessed Authority were this week prevented from debating a report from their own officers on the deteriorating bank of the river Chet beside Hardley flood, because issues raised by the navigation committee were too frightening for them to contemplate. The work needed could be both ‘high risk’ and ‘high cost’, Dr Pikeman told members, so it was better for them not to know about it yet. 

A specific request from one of the more enlightened Blessed Members for the paper to be included on Friday's Agenda was turned down, as Officers were not yet ready to tell Members what to think. The news follows an announcement by Norfolk County Council that they intend to close a popular section of the Wherryman’s Way riverside footpath, and divert it on to a main road - on safety grounds. 

Three weeks ago, the navigation committee strongly advised that the rapid deterioration of the stretch of river bank could not be ignored, and that the Authority needed to take an urgent and proactive stance.

Blessed Officers claimed that the issue did not touch any of the Authority’s three statutory duties - which are public access, conservation and navigation - until a Member pointed out that it involved a public footpath running between a nature reserve and a navigable river. Officers argued that any structures replaced by the BA now would have to be maintained in the future, so it would be much cheaper to let them collapse further and then find out what happens later, when it might be somebody else’s job. In the mean time, money could be spent on consultants, so as not to make it look as though the issue is being ignored entirely.

Unfortunately, the navigation committee advice could not be reported to Blessed Members yesterday as the minutes were not yet available. “It’s important for there to be an appropriate delay in producing minutes” said a Blessed Spokesperson, “in order that Members have an adequate chance to forget what was actually said. This is the natural way of things here at Yeurgh House."

Finger-in-the-air estimates to carry out the work needed range from £500,000 to £3 million, which Dr Pikeman says is beyond the means of the tiny Authority; such figures are understood to eclipse even its huge planning enforcement and legal budgets.

A Blesssed Spokesperson confirmed that projects which would benefit the public and the navigation do not qualify for grant funding, in contrast to restoring private broads with no public access, and teaching the public about the cultural significance of landscapes and windmills.

Who wants to go next?

Bets are now on for the second most toxic job at the Blessed Authority! According to the published agenda, the Authority is seeking a Chairman for arguably the most dysfunctional planning committee in East Anglia. 

The news follows the final departure of Minty Beige, a member appointed by the Secretary of Oversight and Accident. Speculation is rife as to who will succeed him

Bookie’s favourite is Granny Spokesperson herself, who according to the known rogue Gary Sheds has no fewer than 6 separate code of conduct complaints against her. 

An undercover source within the planning department has stated that a close second is Dick Niggling, who despite being appointed by a Local Authority possesses enough obedience to fit Granny’s strategy for the planning committee leadership.

“Chairmanship of the Planning Committee is not a popularity contest” ,said Granny. “It is also of paramount importance that I appoint somebody who my close friend in the planning department approves of and that simply has to be either me, or somebody who recognises my leadership qualities. The deciding factor, of course, is how the Chairman feels about Tripe Island and any views opposed to hounding that dreadful man Roger Bush off his property, simply won’t do. My priority is to keep my good boating partner happy, as all this talk of a planning application in line with the 2014 inspector’s decision is making her very sad indeed. She has spent most of her professional life trying to get rid of him and I simply must ensure she retires on a personal high."

The current vice chairman, the blonde Swedish bombshell Henna Larsson sadly marked her ticket by indiscrete use of social media, crowning herself Queen of the Ferals and disobeying the laws of peroxide by forming opinions of her own, which is unlikely to suit Granny’s strategy. The blonde was seen sobbing into her wine at the Pony and Wagon near Yeorgh House recently, promising herself an extra deep spray tan and a new outfit.

“It is vitally important the role goes to somebody incapable of seeing the Woods for the trees", smiled Granny. "It is the Chairman’s duty to follow the officers wherever they may blunder as collective responsibility will ultimately save us all."

Vaper Trails

Following on from inadvertent public release of the Blessed Invisible Ink (codenamed Blink), our shrimp spies have learned of a further development at Yeorgt House; invisible paper (codenamed Vaper).

It has long been thought that such a technology had been developed, but not until recently was its existence actually discovered (or not).

Released under the guise of Paperless Tolls, the Blessed Authority has unwittingly confirmed that there are certain documents which no longer exist. These include planning agreements and Acts of Parliament. Once thought to be merely a freak and remarkably accurate accident with the slot of a shredder, the Vaper project has been confirmed recently and is being released upon the public under the guise of a paperless tolls trial.

Leader of the Vaper project within the Obfuscation department, Ceefroo Balderdash, told our reporter, “The project has been perfected over many internal trials. We began with the Invisible Ink trials which were pioneered with internal reports, meeting minutes and so on - but it quickly became obvious to those who actually read them that certain documents were being ‘adjusted’; the only solution was for the Blessed Authority to adopt ‘total transparency’.”

Holding aloft a piece of Vaper, Ceefoo, continued, “To the ordinary eye, there is nothing in my hand, but let me assure you that this is a sheet of tolls plaques, printed just moments ago using Blink and Vaper.” He made a hand motion of crumpling the 'document', then tossed the Vaper in the air, seemingly catching it in a brown paper bag he was holding between the fingers of his right hand.

The new invisible tolls plaques will be sent to boat owners in the coming weeks along with assurance that the Blink will not run or, if it does it won’t mark the boat’s hull. These must be fitted to the bows of all boats by April 1st.

Hoarder of Tolls, Rob Yermone, was quick to comment on concerns of toll avoidance under the new Vaper system, “The idea of paperless plaques has often been discussed by the navigation committee who were unaware of the Vaper project at the time. Each occasion this was raised, Officers dismissed it for a wide range of reasons. However, officers have confirmed that whilst the reasons are all still valid, they don't matter any more now that the Authority has decided on a different outcome. And, besides, nobody can find any written evidence of the objections anyway."

"Our stakeholder survey research indicates that the public believes that the BA is a soft touch and does not prosecute nearly enough people, or waste enough public funds on legal fees. As part of the Vaper trials in relation to tolls reform, officers plan to ensure that targets are to be set for prosecutions with incentives given to rangers to find un-tolled vessels in back-waters.  In the fullness of time, we plan to operate a more automated prosecution system requiring boat owners to fill in SWANs (Statutory Above Water Notifications) if their boat is not actually in the river else they will automatically get a summons. To best address the stakeholders' concerns that we don't squander enough public money on legal costs, there are also plans to set a minimum level of expenditure, per case."

Blessed Chair admits to influencing Member appointments

Blessed Authority chair Granny Spokesperson surprised NSBA members this week by admitting to being able to influence the selection of both Secretary of State and Local Authority appointees.

Although the "independent and impartial" appointment process is widely known to be less than transparent, this is the first time it has been admitted in public.

Speaking in response to questions about the under-representation of navigational interests on the Blessed Authority, she confirmed that she could address this by "influencing" the impartial appointments process. Wielding such power was "clearly preferable" to all the trouble and uncertainty which direct elections would bring.

In the short term, she confirmed that she would encourage Members with no interest in boating to follow her example and buy a share in a boat, so as to create the illusion of greater toll payer representation.

In an effort to cement member-officer relations, the self-styled 'Chair' has also shown great leadership by entering into boat ownership jointly with a senior planning officer. "Although cosy relationships between members and officers are discouraged, I can't see anything wrong with this one and of course it doesn't affect my ability to challenge my friend and boating partner in planning committee meetings", she said with her fingers firmly crossed behind her back. The arrangement was allegedly approved by the monitoring officer, shortly before he disappeared without trace.

At the meeting, she was also quizzed about her failure to promote public rights of navigation at Bewilderbroad, when the Blessed Authority was consulted on the multi-million pound injection of public money into a private broad. She promised to look into this, just as soon as she discovered where the broad is actually located.

Granny will shortly be meeting with conservation and tourism groups, where she is expected to give similar assurances about their representation on the Blessed Authority.