Tuesday 22 March 2016

Vaper Trails

Following on from inadvertent public release of the Blessed Invisible Ink (codenamed Blink), our shrimp spies have learned of a further development at Yeorgt House; invisible paper (codenamed Vaper).

It has long been thought that such a technology had been developed, but not until recently was its existence actually discovered (or not).

Released under the guise of Paperless Tolls, the Blessed Authority has unwittingly confirmed that there are certain documents which no longer exist. These include planning agreements and Acts of Parliament. Once thought to be merely a freak and remarkably accurate accident with the slot of a shredder, the Vaper project has been confirmed recently and is being released upon the public under the guise of a paperless tolls trial.

Leader of the Vaper project within the Obfuscation department, Ceefroo Balderdash, told our reporter, “The project has been perfected over many internal trials. We began with the Invisible Ink trials which were pioneered with internal reports, meeting minutes and so on - but it quickly became obvious to those who actually read them that certain documents were being ‘adjusted’; the only solution was for the Blessed Authority to adopt ‘total transparency’.”

Holding aloft a piece of Vaper, Ceefoo, continued, “To the ordinary eye, there is nothing in my hand, but let me assure you that this is a sheet of tolls plaques, printed just moments ago using Blink and Vaper.” He made a hand motion of crumpling the 'document', then tossed the Vaper in the air, seemingly catching it in a brown paper bag he was holding between the fingers of his right hand.

The new invisible tolls plaques will be sent to boat owners in the coming weeks along with assurance that the Blink will not run or, if it does it won’t mark the boat’s hull. These must be fitted to the bows of all boats by April 1st.

Hoarder of Tolls, Rob Yermone, was quick to comment on concerns of toll avoidance under the new Vaper system, “The idea of paperless plaques has often been discussed by the navigation committee who were unaware of the Vaper project at the time. Each occasion this was raised, Officers dismissed it for a wide range of reasons. However, officers have confirmed that whilst the reasons are all still valid, they don't matter any more now that the Authority has decided on a different outcome. And, besides, nobody can find any written evidence of the objections anyway."

"Our stakeholder survey research indicates that the public believes that the BA is a soft touch and does not prosecute nearly enough people, or waste enough public funds on legal fees. As part of the Vaper trials in relation to tolls reform, officers plan to ensure that targets are to be set for prosecutions with incentives given to rangers to find un-tolled vessels in back-waters.  In the fullness of time, we plan to operate a more automated prosecution system requiring boat owners to fill in SWANs (Statutory Above Water Notifications) if their boat is not actually in the river else they will automatically get a summons. To best address the stakeholders' concerns that we don't squander enough public money on legal costs, there are also plans to set a minimum level of expenditure, per case."

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