Friday 22 September 2017

A busy day at the Planning Department

Blessed planners this week swooped on the recalcitrant barge Odd job, to investigate their own allegation that it isn’t a boat.

Master of the vessel Alan Fish has been engaged in a battle of wills with the Blessed Tolls Department for several years, refusing to pay a river toll on the basis that he can’t use the river. But planners have now waded into the row, claiming that if he doesn’t pay a toll then the barge might not be a boat.

“Mr Fish is being a complete arsehole” said Blessed Planning Chair Sir Dick Peterson. “He’s refusing to answer the questions which we made up for no reason, and now we’re caught in a pickle entirely of our own making.”

The questions which Mr Fish refuses to answer are:
  • Does the vessel float on the water?
  • What colour is it?
  • How is it tied to the jetty?
  • Does the owner wear a Captain’s hat?
  • Does a Jolly Roger fly from the mast?
“Until Mr Fish answers these questions” said a Blessed Spokesperson, “we can’t tell whether his vessel is actually a boat.”

“At this stage we must assume that it is actually a building requiring the benefit of planning permission, on the basis that we haven’t seen it move” continued the spokesperson. “Anything which stays in one place for longer than an arbitrary period which we choose on a case-by-case basis, is classed as permanent - unless it’s a Blessed Tent, LOL.”

The Blessed Authority is actively monitoring premises around the Blessed Executive Area for evidence of inconsequential development, to help boost its workload which last year numbered just 230 planning applications.

“We welcome enquiries from home and business owners about their development plans” said the Blessed Spokesperson. “Whether it’s putting a tent on a campsite or repurposing your phone box, no job is too small to consider”.


  1. It's funny..........cos it's true!

  2. April 1st is definitely running late!

  3. And how many planning officers are their working on the 230 planning applications I wonder.

    1. I understand the Audit Commission yardstick for Planning departments is one member of staff per 300 applications. Doesn't even cover a single full-time equivalent.

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