Saturday 4 February 2017

50 Shades of Mud

Blessed members have this week mostly been thrilled by the groundbreaking news that Yeorgh House Meetings will, in future, be recorded.

“I’m SO excited”, clapped Granny, “I was never EVER picked for the school play and now I get to have a whole show to myself with ME in the starring role!”

A source within Yeorgh House has confirmed that the move followed yet another row over the accuracy of Blessed Minutes. Traditionally, minutes have been a synopsis of officer presentation, peppered with the odd “acceptable” Blessed Member contribution, included only if it concurred with Dr. Pikeman’s recollection.

However, Dr. Pikeman has in recent months become increasingly unstuck as there appears to be a hidden recording device installed in the meeting room and it miraculously manifests itself every time the truth needs a bit of explanation and a back story.

At their meeting last November, Blessed Members considered the recommendations of the Tolls Ransack Group for a new tolls structure. The Blessed Chamber was packed to the rafters with assorted riff-raff including Wally Peters, Grumpy Measley and Mick North.

According to our source, some of the more enlightened Blessed Members had spotted a flaw in Granny's new Blessed System which would mean passenger boat owners like Grumpy paying nearly 30% more in tolls. Despite a few plaintive cries of "big boats must pay more” and “don't worry John I'm right behind you as always” from small boat owner Dick Bilson, Dr Pikeman could feel the argument slipping away and he made a valiant attempt to smother the debate. A confused Granny Spokesperson mistook his “double entendre” vacillations as a genuine attempt to let Members take the lead on a matter of policy and moved a recommendation that everyone thought would reduce the punishing increase for passenger boats and allow the Tolls Ransack Group to work out how to do it.

Disaster for the Blessed Executive was averted by passing the meeting notes through the Pikeman Minute Massager™, which showed that members hadn’t voted to reduce the increase at all and had in fact merely given Dr P delegated authority to do whatever he felt like. “Of course, the public were terribly mistaken in thinking that an alteration could be at all possible” he said. “I've made sure that all my paid employees agree with me, and if Granny knows what’s good for her career, she’ll agree with me as well.”

“But just to make sure”, he went on, “we’ll install recording equipment of our own, to produce recordings of our own, and then all the officers can agree that any other recording made that differs in the slightest from our version, can be dubbed false and fixed. I have it all under control.”

Meanwhile, 4K video recording equipment has already been installed in the Mockyard's infamous Torture Tent, where Blessed Miscreants are taken for extraordinary rendition. Local channel Custard TV has snapped up the exclusive broadcast rights for the new show “50 Shades of Mud” which will be Directed by rising star Rog Roberts and feature the likes of Wilky O'Brian and Jimmy Day as they battle to resist Granny's dominatrix alter-ego and her bumbling but obedient poodle.

The Blesssed Torture Tent continues to be unauthorised and does not have the benefit of planning permission. “It's a temporary structure” claimed a Blessed Spokesperson, who was unable to say when it would be removed.

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