Sunday 23 October 2016

Swift Recruitment Drive(in)

Following recent criticism of the installation of an electronic bird box to attract migrant birds, the Blessed Authority has come under renewed fire for wasting public money this week with a planning proposal to build a welcoming meeting place for prospective new members.

With the seasonal cull of members seemingly at an end, new recruits are being sought to replace those displaced and plans have been unveiled for a purpose-built reception area to be created; in the car park.

Upper echelons at Yeurght House are of the opinion that new members are likely to follow existing members if they can be shown that membership is rewarding, fulfilling and safe. The new reception spaces will accommodate up to 20 cars with some bays occupied by expensive new high-end vehicles in the form of cardboard cut-outs with the idea being to make the right kind of applicant member feel at home.

A spokesperson for member recruitment, Myopia Atchinson, explained the decision: “We are looking for people who aren’t too concerned with studying things very carefully, hence the cardboard cutouts of new Range Rovers and Mercedes sports convertibles. We’ve even found a paper Tesla to help attract the more environmentally conscious. Anyone who is able to spot that these aren’t real motorcars probably doesn't have the right membership qualities we are looking for,”

In addition, to attract new members from the proper backgrounds, the parking spaces will have recorded sounds played. Audio mimicking the chinking of champagne flutes, popping of corks and the sound of crisp paper money notes being rustled will be piped though to the car parking spaces but also played on a yet-to-be-announced DAB frequency that can be heard up to four hundred miles away, particularly in areas where there are no rivers.

The Blessed Authority was quick to play down the proposal, highlight its ecological aspect and address concerns of public money being misused. A spokesperson from the Obfuscation Department commented, “We have reduced the impact of this on the public purse by convincing the Blessed Trust to contribute some of the Love The Blessed donations to this and other projects. Although this has met with some opposition at some of the donation centres, we consider this to be a brilliant wheeze as it means we can seemingly get money from the public in the form of willing donations via the back door also.”

Turning to the new member parking, the spokesman continued, “The audio will have a very low ecological footprint since our installation of a bio-mass boiler. With the slow withdrawal of paper money, we have secured permission from the Royal Mint to burn all paper fivers that we can extract from boat owners, the National Parks Grant and the Blessed Trust and with this agreement also hope to clarify, once and for all, the commonly held belief that we have money to burn. Yes, we do, but we are allowed to.”

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