Blessed Stakeholders Told To Get Stuffed

A retired copper and a disgraced former ambassador have been elected to the top jobs at the Blessed Authority.

Temper Turtle agreed to take over the baton from Granny Burgess, on condition that she would continue to whisper in his ear from behind the scenes and remind him of the common purpose.

Dick “Round of Drinks” Bilson, meanwhile, moves into the vice chairman spot vacated by Turtle, who replaced Sir Dick Peterson one meeting ago.

Their election comes in spite of a brave and spirited attempt to bring accountability to the Blessed Authority by blonde bombshell Henna Larson, who stood on a ticket of improving stakeholder engagement and paying attention to the peer review recommendations.

Despite presenting members with her vision for a better future for the Blessed Authority, openly supported by every senior stakeholder in the entire Broads, members voted for Turtle, whose manifesto read “Everything she said but minus the politics, so vote for me”. Turtle and Larson are both tory councillors.

Chairing her last 5 minutes of Blessed Meeting, Granny accused members of fixating on the wrong sentence of the peer review report. “I told you it was about common purpose” she yelled “and not about a comprehensive review of stakeholder engagement. When will you listen?”

The election was widely seen as a chance to change direction, after the fiasco of shutting down the Blessed Forum and generally ignoring the peer review. But members decided to stick with what they know, as it’s easier than thinking and listening.

“The lobbying from these so-called stakeholders was intolerable” said Turtle. “It’s bad enough being bullied by a 5 foot blonde bird, and my boss. I’m not listening to any Blessed Outsiders and refuse to be told what to do except by Dr Pikeman and Granny” he said, before waddling off like a lame duck.

Landmark Deb-Acle

The Broads National Pike Visitor Centre took a step forward today as the Blessed Authority announced a shortlist of 3 expensive carbuncles from a selection of 100.

Dr Pikeman expressed his “genuine surprise” as architects fell over themselves at the prospect of taking a large fee for designing a £750,000 café in the middle of nowhere. Or, “a prime Norfolk Broads tourism spot”, as Axle is now to be known.

The Blessed Authority has a long and proud history of pointlessly expensive vanity projects, including an abortive spell in exotic offices at Horsefly House, the Spirit of Boredom ranger launch which can’t go under bridges, and the famous Mockyard which is too small to house a boat. As is customary, the budget for the latest scheme was publicised without consulting members, to avoid the embarrassment of anyone disagreeing with it.

Keen to learn from the Mockyard experience, all of the shortlisted designs dwarf their surroundings. “We wanted something which could survive extreme flood events and climate change” said a Blessed Judge, “and we’re confident that any of these buildings would still be visible even with a 100ft rise in sea levels.” Sustainability is also key to the designs, with an insistence on low maintenance non-flammable materials like thatch and timber cladding.

The designs include one intended to look like the bastard offspring of a moth and a wherry, and another which is supposed to work like a giant periscope - already dubbed “The Upskirt”. However, the winning entry will be the giant “National Pike Education Centre”, by virtue of the clever inclusion of the words “National Pike” in its title. “In addition to the inspirational name, what we particularly liked about this design was the assimilation of most of the moorings into the frontage of the building” said Dr Pikeman. “This accords with the Blessed Mooring Reduction Policy, which requires that we continue to reduce the number of visitor moorings year on year so that we don’t have to maintain them.”

Judges were also pleased to be spared the embarrassment of considering any entries which complied with planning policy, confirming that none of the designs would be acceptable if put forward by a private developer. “Landmark buildings like these are contrary to policy, so only an organisation responsible for determining its own planning applications could consider building them” said Dr Pikeman. “Fortunately, I only have 2 planning officers left and I don’t have to play the Long Game anymore, so this will be a doddle.”

Sacked Chair Granny Burgess expressed her excitement at the prospect of spending nearly a million pounds for no reason. “We have no idea how many visitors we might get, or how much money they might spend, or really what the benefit is at all. But we still believe it represents strong value for money” she said.

Blessed White Elephant Planned for Axle

Axle is set to become the official centre of the Blessed National Park, as the Authority announced plans to build the world’s most costly café on the banks of the River Bile at Axle Bridge.

Sitting opposite two other watering holes, Blessed Members believe that there’s still demand for a third riverside hostelry, but with the unique selling point of not having any beer. “We have a duty to make the Broads as safe and joyless as possible” said so-called Chair Granny Burgess “and the market for alcohol-free riverside cafés is inexplicably under-served by the market. For just £750,000, we believe that we can create a world-class and profitable landmark tea and cake shop.”

The Blessed Authority routinely refuses consent for any form of development in the flood plain - including a glamping site directly opposite - but such restrictions will magically disappear for the Authority’s own latest scheme. “We can put the plug sockets above flood level and use waterproof cladding” said Dr Pikeman, “so I don’t see what the fuss is about.”

Last year, highways lodged a hefty objection to the creation of Poopoo’s restaurant on the other side of the bridge, on road safety grounds - usually the kiss of death to any private development. For reasons which have suddenly become apparent, however, the Blessed Authority comprehensively ignored the safety objections and gave consent. After all, even they would have difficulty giving themselves permission for a development by the bridge, having just refused someone else.

The proposed budget is strangely similar to that other famous white elephant, the Blessed Mockyard, which Dr Pikeman was quick to defend. “That was three quarters of a million pounds well spent” he said. “We never intended to get a boat in there anyway - we have a temporary tent for that - but moving the offices out of a portacabin and on to the first floor means that the staff have a much nicer view.”

When asked if Blessed Members had authorised the budget for Axle’s Super Caff, he merely replied “not yet, but they don’t have a choice now that I’ve told everyone, mwahahaha.”

Granny Wields The Knife

The Blessed Forum is set to become the latest victim of the post-Peer Review clampdown on stakeholder engagement - known as Granny’s Guillotine.

Back in November, Granny challenged the Forum on its value and effectiveness, as there seemed to be a lot of people saying things that she didn’t agree with. “The Forum was fine when they said what we wanted them to say” said Granny. “Recently though, reactionary forces have started to talk about things which are not reflective of the views which I hear from my small group of what I call ‘friends’. Frankly I’m bored with hearing about governance and accountability, whatever they may be. I’d rather they had lectures on climate change and the effect of Brexit on farming, that should keep them quiet.”

Members reminded her that their official role is to offer advice and comment on the Blessed aims and objectives, and said that it’s hard to be effective when nobody is listening and members have to endure Death by PowerPoint instead.

But such dissent is obviously in breach of the Blessed Purpose and so, faced with the prospect of Forum members discussing the outcome of the Peer Review, Chairman Keith Sausage was bullied into cancelling February’s meeting at the last minute on the basis that there was nothing to talk about.

Determined to know how the recommendations of the Peer Review were to be addressed, one brave member put forward an agenda item for last week’s meeting. But the Authority cleverly deployed the Pikeman Pretence, by pretending not to receive the email and instead issued a one item agenda intended to disband the Forum altogether.

Honey Trap

To make things worse, when members arrived for the meeting they found that it had been hijacked by Granny and her ever-loyal poodle Dick Bilson, who took the chair which had been suddenly and mysteriously vacated by Sausage. Quickly realising that he wasn’t a member of the Forum and therefore couldn’t chair it, the former Ambassador to Magnolia decided to cancel the meeting and convene a different one instead - to discuss the future of the Blessed Forum which was, in summary, that it didn’t have one.

“There are far too many organisations involved, and disregarding all of them consumes a lot of resources” he said. “So we’re going to let them have 2 workshop things each year instead, discussing one subject which we’ll plan for them a year in advance to make sure that there’s no chance of it being relevant.”

“We’ll replace the more regular meetings with discussion by email - which is much, much easier to ignore” he added, as Granny tossed him a treat.

The early-retired ex-diplomat is being positioned as Granny’s heir apparent, as nobody else is foolish enough to take on the poisoned chalice. “They’ll be begging for Granny to come back before the year is out” said Dr Pikeman, shaking his head in disbelief.

Blessed Temper Tantrums Rock Shaky Peace Process

The Blessed Society ("Friends of the Blessed") was rocked to its foundations recently with the shock resignation from their ranks of Blessed Chair Granny Burgess, along with her ever-loyal pet poodle Dick Bilson.

The surprise move is a protest against an article in The Hamster written by its Chairman “Uncle” Paul Special-Fried, who (as a Blessed Member) is banned from criticism of the Authority under the Burgess Accord, agreed earlier this year after a scathing Peer Review which has been swept under the carpet alongside the previous one.

In his report, Special-Fried suggested that relations between the Blessed Society and Blessed Authority had been difficult at times and said he was sorry that the Society wasn’t given the chance to contribute to the Peer Review.

Keen to dispel any notion of disharmony, the hyper-sensitive and increasingly-deranged emeritus professor flew off on her broomstick in a rage, resigning her membership of the Society and drafting a motion of no-confidence in Special-Fried for Blessed Members to nod through at the next meeting. “I won’t tolerate criticism from these so-called ‘elected’ non-academics” she said. “They can speak their mind, or they can be Blessed Members - but they can’t do both.”

“The Peer Review told me what I wanted to hear and anyone who disagrees with me can go and stand in the corridor” she added.

Blessed Members were left bemused by the outburst. “I thought we'd put all this divisiveness behind us,” said one, “but she’s the absolute bloody limit. Who does she think she is, resigning from the Society on the Authority’s behalf just because somebody contradicts her?”

But former-diplomat Dick Bilson was quick to support his mistress, swiftly cancelling his membership with a strongly worded letter to the Society’s secretary. “Yap yap yap yap yap” he said.

As he left Yeurgh House for the evening, Dr Pikeman was heard muttering “that bloody woman is going to destroy all my hard work” and shaking his head in disbelief.

That sinking feeling.

Following a successful legal battle to charge static vessels a full river toll despite the vessel having no navigation ability, The Blessed Authority is making plans to bolster its income having identified a static ‘vessel’  that has been hidden from view for nearly three decades.

Sited in the River Brew at Arkle, the ‘vessel’ was discovered during a routine hydrographic inspection recently and has been identified as an 1989 Datsun Sunny.

Our intrepid Shrimpy reporter was dispatched to Blessed HQ  and spoke to the Curator Fiscal, Nick Yermone, at Yeugh House.

“Coupled with our recent success in the courts to charge a full navigational rover toll a large static barge that is permanently tied up in a marina, we are fast-tracking a programme of similar ‘Barge Charges’ and seeking all past tolls too. This will generate a significant amount of money which will help massively with the forthcoming Christmas Party.”

Opaque asked; “But this is not a vessel, it’s a car. How can you possibly charge a toll for that?”

Nick explained, “We have a long history of interpretation of the law and of language. We have a large, dedicated team of people working in these two key areas, in fact, there are more people in our Obfuscation Department than in Planning! We are absolutely confident that we can reclassify a dumped car as a vessel. And, as the DVLA records can be traced back many years, we will easily be able to locate the owner or, perhaps, their descendants.’

“If we are successful in this, we will roll the programme out further and are planning a full sonar survey of all the waterways looking for similarly dumped vehicles, bicycles and childrens scooters. Where we see the real income though is in the various Wherries that were deliberately scuppered on Ranworth Broad and the plethora of mobile phones that await retrieval from virtually every mooring.”

Flying the flag

The Blessed Authority has chosen the end of the boating season to launch a new burgee promoting its fake National Prank status.

Having jumped on the bandwagon of burgees for promoting Facebook groups and forums, our intrepid evasive shrimpy reporter, Opaque, met up with Dr Pikeman and asked him to describe the thinking behind the flags.

“Well, we’ve been watching progress of the little people who seem keen to buy flags relating to these online forums and so on and thought that if they had a real, bone-fide Blessed Authority flag, they would feel a bit more included in what we are trying to do here. Also, we’ve taken a bit of a high-profile pasting in the media in recent weeks and we felt that we needed something “good" to promote.

“That pesky Jimmy Day has made us a laughing stock with all his tent shenanigans. How dare he try to demonstrate that a tent doesn’t have foundations and that it isn’t fixed to the ground? He’s made us look rather silly, and that's before considering the ongoing problem of our own tent (which can be seen from space) not having planning and is clearly unable to be moved with the same ease as shown in his video. The whole thing is clearly orchestrated to make a mockery of the Blessed Planning Department. As everyone knows, we have an exemplary planning record; Granny even went to the trouble of writing to the newspaper to remind everyone how good we are. Did you know that we lost yet another planning appeal at Queenline Cottages in Boring last week?

“In fact, the joke will be on Wee Little Jimmy again as we noticed an unauthorised temporary construction vehicle access when we watched his tents being moved and are now busily wasting time and money pursuing him again. We are hoping that sales of our burgees will cover the cost of this.

“And talking of the flags, don’t they look nice? We’ll have the last laugh as our initial order of 10 burgees sold very well around the office so we decided to take a flutter and have ordered a further 2.5 million and the only place large enough to store them all is in our ginormous tent. So, now that it has a real purpose as a flag store for the next decade or so, its future is secure, like its fixing to the ground.”