Brave Members Reject Assault on Free Speech

“I’m bored!”, exclaimed a more equal member of the Blessed Authority, “These questions from the public are the same every single meeting, somebody do something before I fall asleep at my desk!”

“We could try and answer the questions properly and act on them accordingly”, offered a lesser amongst equals. “I'm fed up with this business of hearing the question and being told the answer before I've had a chance to say anything.”

“That’s just potty”, said a voice, “we simply need to change how we want the public to participate, that’s all!”

“I have the solution”, purred Dr. Pikeman, “leave it to me, I shall confer with the Great Brethren of Blessed Parks, they will surely give me guidance, so we can become more like them in every way.”

So, proposals to limit public participation at the Blessed Authority's meetings were firmly presented to Members this week - who, somewhat remarkably, sat on them just as firmly.

Never one to miss an opportunity to restrict free speech, Dr Pikeman saw the request as a mandate to prevent anyone from petitioning the Authority, restricting what sort of question could be asked - and even bypassing Members entirely when the questioner couldn't be at the meeting.

“Meetings are a place where Members conduct business of the Authority and really don’t need to be distracted by the public interfering with the carefully engineered decisions I need them to make. If Members notice there are alternatives to Option 1 (Save the Authority by charging more and delivering less), or Option 2 (Doom the Authority and all it holds dear to a fate worse than death by not choosing Option 1) then there’ll be a riot.”

Former senior member Dave Pond commented that the Authority is "not a democratic and accountable organisation in the first place" and that the proposal was "unnecessarily provocative".

In an unprecedented last minute rebellion, however, Members decided that enough was enough after all and the proposals were taking a ridiculous step too far, even by the Blessed Authority’s standards.

"It's the complete opposite of what we asked for" complained one new Member.

“Get used to it” whispered the fen raft spider which had fallen off the Divine Ecologist’s skirt earlier in the meeting.

“Of course, we accept the will of the Members” said an official spokesperson, with her fingers firmly crossed behind her back. “We didn't want to limit engagement, just improve efficiency.”

Something Fishy at Thorpe Island

There I was, minding my own business the other day, having a little swim up towards Norwich and I thought I'd look in at Thorpe Island to visit some of my old chums.

Well, I hadn't been there more than a few minutes before someone stuck a piece of paper to my dorsal fin, which said I couldn't swim there anymore; apparently I was in breach of some kind of enforcement notice and fish like me "adversely affect the character and appearance of the conservation area and local amenity". Chatting to some of the other fish, it seems like there's some bloke with a big house nearby who doesn't think that fish have any right to live in marinas, especially not the ones he doesn't like the look of. So he's made a lot of noise about it to some important people and now all the fish have been told to leave or face the direst consequences.

Apparently, the little fishes had been left alone until the man who owned the basin thought it would be a good idea to repair it and make it look all nice again, to encourage the best sort of fish to swim there. But that frightened the natives, who complained that they didn't want to see more fish in the marina, so the Blessed Authority sent their man to stop the improvements and tell the fishes that they couldn't swim there any more. Well this didn't seem very fair to the poor man who'd bought the marina for his retirement, so he tried to carry on anyway - but the more he tried to improve things, the more people tried to stop him and frightened all his fishes away. And so now only the oldest and most unpopular fish go to swim in the marina, and they can't afford to pay much, so the man hasn't got the money to improve it. And all the money he did have went on fighting the bullies trying to stop him. And really this just doesn't smell at all right to me.

Believe it or not, the Blessed Authority says that the basin has been abandoned and can't be used by fish for swimming any more. Despite fish having swum in it every day from the day it was dug (I remember swimming in it 40 years ago). And despite it being made for the express purpose of having fish swim in it. And - get this - despite the Blessed ones signing something in 1985 which said that the basin can only be used for the swimming of fish. They signed this when they allowed those big houses to be built; that's right, including the one whose owner doesn't like looking at all the fishes who were there before he was. So here is a basin which is restricted to the swimming of fish, but the Blessed Authority say that it can't be used for that, even though they said that this was the only thing it could be used for. It's enough to confuse a fish.

To make things even more complicated, Tripe Town Council want the Blessed Authority to compulsorily purchase the island from the landowner and make it a fish free zone. ”It has been scientifically proven that too many small fish in the area spoil our election results so urgent action is required.” said a spokesperson.

I wonder what the Blessed Authority - and TTC - want to happen here? Once they've finished frightening the fishes away and chopping the poor man up into little pieces and jumping up and down on his remains, what will become of the basin? What can it be used for, if not for fish swimming? Who will repair the quay heading once it starts falling into the river? How much will it all cost? And who will be paying the bill?

Something fishy's going on here, or my name's not Eduardo "Fins" McPike.

When is a basin not a basin…?

Presidential task force to tackle tolls

The Broads Authority has announced the creation of a Tolls Task Force charged with shaking up the Broads tolls regime.

Originally, the "Select Committee" was to be open to any Member interested in formulating a new, fairer, tolls system. Quickly realising that this could result in the wrong ideas being put forward, however, the Presidential team instead selected their own personal task force, charged with moving the deck chairs for the 4th time in as many years. "We don't want anyone coming up with any harebrained or potty ideas" commented one senior source.

In appointing the task force, it was felt important to be as inclusive as possible, and therefore 6 people were carefully selected according to height, hair colour and shoe size to ensure fair representation, and to include those both with and without any relevant knowledge. “We think it's particularly important to have a couple of people who don't know anything at all about the subject” said the source, “to ensure that we have a statistically significant range of opinions to ignore."

The tolls issue raises its head every year, as private and hire boat toll payers are pitched into an argument about who should pay more and how big the multiplier should be. Last year, not satisfied with the range of free expertise already available to it, the Authority decided to ‘invest’ £60,000 in a stakeholder survey designed to find out what toll payers really thought about the Authority and tolls. The results of this academically rigorous project were quite startling and the Authority learned many previously unknown and surprising facts about its stakeholders:

• Most boat owners are relatively well off and tend not to come from deprived households
• More people live close to their boats than far away
• Satisfaction with the Authority varies in inverse proportion to the level of engagement with it
• Some people think that tolls are good value, whilst others don't
• Those paying the lowest tolls think that they get the best value
• Most toll payers want more dredging and mooring maintenance
• Private boat owners think that hire boats should pay more in tolls, whilst hire boat owners don't
• Sailors often dislike hire boats and hire boat users do not understand sailors
• Everyone hates anglers and water skiers

The data continues to be analysed by officers in the hope that some useful nugget of information may be gleaned which could actually be used to justify the expense of carrying out the work.

Meanwhile, Members of the Navigation Committee were, this week, given a range of choices on increasing tolls for 2016 and debated a number of sacrificial projects costing a total of £60,000 out of the £3.1 million annual tolls budget. Attempts to consider a reduction in the overall operations budget, to which tolls contribute steadily more each year, were strongly resisted, however. Eventually it was agreed to reduce the multiplier for hire boats (even though it was thought that they can claim all their tolls back from the Government as a tax rebate) and to increase tolls by the price of a round of drinks. This would ensure that owners of small boats would only have to find the equivalent of a couple of pints of cheap lager and a packet of pork scratchings, whilst the owners of gin palaces would forego the cost of one crate of Prosecco and a bowl of hummus.

A Pike, Unmasked

Observant readers may recall that our hero has been held at Yeurgh House, bravely resisting questioning by his arch nemesis Dr John Pikeman.

Finally, his patience at an end, Dr P has torn the mask from his captive's face, expecting to see cowering before him a well known resident of the southern Broads.

Imagine his surprise to find - not "Our Eddie" - but an entirely different fish altogether. It's none other than that master of fishy disguise, Eduardo "Fins" McPike. Finally the pisces have fallen into plaice. Eduardo, the Broads National Pike, has cleverly been using Eddie's persona to conceal his true identity all this time!

"Err… so you're not Eddie then?" asked the confused Dr Pikeman.

"Of course I am not." said Eduardo, "How could you mistake me for that stupid idiotic fish? I hacked his account one time and told everyone he was a national pike, just for a joke. Why would anyone believe anything like that? Obviously it is I, Eduardo, who is the one true Broads National Pike. You can't be a National Pike just by calling yourself one, you know…"

Will Eduardo escape the clutches of Dr Pikeman and the Blessed Authority?

Will the river folk ever find out what really is going on in their name?

Will truth and justice finally be restored?

We'll just have to wait and see…

The fate of a naughty fish

So, it came to pass that Eddie was betrayed, captured and brought before Dr. Pikeman and the three wise monkeys of the Blessed Authority.

Nailed to a discarded 24 hour mooring sign, Eddie blinked helplessly under the cold cruel stare of the un-smiling faces before him.

“What shall we do with this naughty fish?”, purred Dr Pikeman. “I’ve waited a long time to get my hands on him and here he is. Not feeling quite so clever now, are you Eddie?”

“Lets string him up outside the main entrance “ chuckled the first monkey, “He has ridiculed the Blessed Authority! Because of this fish, people point and laugh at me behind my back! ”

“I’ll second that”, smiled another. “It’s taken me all my life to get to gain some credibility and he’s ruining it all.!”

“But why am I here?”, asked Eddie, “I’ve done nothing wrong. Besides, shouldn’t this 24 hour mooring sign go back up again?”

“You have sinned against the Blessed Authority and broken its most sacred of rules!” , grumbled the third.

“B-b-but how? Even the Queen takes a joke these days”, sobbed Eddie. “You can’t do this!”

“No-one who enjoys the fruits of the toils of the Blessed Authority may speak against Her”, Dr. Pikeman said reasonably. “It’s just the way it is.”

“Where does it say so?” asked Eddie, getting braver. “Show me where it says I can’t tell the truth, even if you don’t like it?”

“Here it is”, said the second monkey scribbling on a piece of paper. “I propose it, do I have a seconder? Lovely, ... You Eddie, are banished from the Blessed Authority’s lands, for good!”

“That’s not fair”, protested Eddie. “it’s not as if…”

“Silence!!!!”, all three wise monkeys hissed at Eddie in one voice. “Silence, you annoying, obnoxious, irritating fish, you are guilty and we’re sending you far, far away, so we can pretend you don’t exist. ”

And so an expensive fish tank was commissioned, out of National Park Grant reserves, of course, to transport Eddie far, far away. As the secret train left the Berney Arms train halt in the dead of night, creatures big and small gathered in stunned silence, staring blankly as the moon lit train disappeared from view.

“Don’t let them forget me”, called Eddie, fins pressed against the reinforced glass of his watery dungeon. “Don’t let them get away with it”

“Poor Eddie”, sighed a dragonfly. “He was just trying to help us and everyone else who have nowhere else to live except here. We have to help him escape”

“That’s going to be difficult”, sighed an otter. “I think they’re taking him to Whitlngham. No-one ever goes to Whitlingham, it just can’t be done. It’s not even a proper Broad, poor Eddie....”

“Of course it can”, hooted an owl. “We’ll find him and bring him back. And in the mean time, we’ll have to keep up the good work!”

“Hooray!”, cheered the assembled friends,

“Excuse me”, piped up the little fen raft spider. “Can anyone tell me where this 24 hour mooring sign is supposed to go? ... where? .... Thurne Mouth? ... oh, I don’t think .... best put it in the bin then. What do you mean there aren’t any bins? Can someone please move this sign, I can only live on this blade of grass near this particular puddle and the sign’s squashing it ... anyone?... Please? ... Help!”

.... to be continued ....

A Boggle At BewilderBroad

It was Mildred the Crocklebog's birthday and she was feeling a bit lonely down on the Scary Lake, so she decided to invite all her friends round for a special party.

Now, Crocklebogs live for a very long time and have really really good memories. Mildred was 150 years old and she thought it was about time she told everyone the truth about the Scary Lake.

"Lithen everyone" said Mildred, "I want to tell you all a thtory". The young Boggles and Twiggles got very excited when they heard this, and started trying to guess what the story would be. "Swampy's first visit to the Scary Lake" said one. "Moss getting lost in the Muddled Maze" tried another. "Shhhh" said the older ones.

"It'th none of thothe thtories, " said Mildred, "thith one ith all about the fun we had on the Thcary Lake when I wath young. It was thix feet deep, full of birdth and wildlife and you could even thail on it."

There was a gasp, and silence. Six feet deep? Sail on the Scary Lake? This was heresy. Nobody was allowed to take a boat on to the Scary Lake. Well, nobody except the owners, who said they hated boats. But really they just hated other people's boats.

"Yeth, " continued Mildred, "there were wherrieth, and keelth before that, and it used to be thuch fun waving to them when they thailed acroth the lake."

Well, what an exciting story this turned out to be. So the old legends were true! There really was a river outside the Scary lake, and you could sail in and out to far off places like Blorning and Troxham, where the Grockles went on their holidays.

"What happened? What happened?" burbled the Boggles. "Tell us!" squealed the Twiggles.

"Well, " said Mildred, " there wath thith big colony of gullth living on the Lake, and the ownerth liked having them there. Tho they dethided to thtop anyone thailing a boat on the lake."

There was a puzzled silence and then Swampy asked "But why would they do that? Everyone knows that boats and wildlife get along just fine."

"Yeth. " said Mildred. "It was a trick to clothe the lake tho that nobody elth could enjoy it. Nobody wath brave enough to argue and then the treeth thstarted growing all around the lake and before long everyone forgot that the river wath even there."

"So there really is a river?" asked Moss, thrilled.

"Oh yeth, " said Mildred, "and other laketh full of birdth and inthecth and all kindth of wildlife."

"Really? " asked Leaflette. "So why isn't our lake full of birds and insects and wildlife? Why is it all boggy and smelly?"

"I think I can explain that" said a slow, deep voice. Everyone turned to look at The Old Man Of The Marshes, who had crept in whilst they were listening to Mildred. "You see, these lakes aren't natural at all. They are really 'Broads', dug out by Boggles hundreds of years ago who needed peat to burn and keep warm."

"When they'd finished digging, they flooded the Broads," continued The Old Man Of The Marshes, "and the only reason they stayed like that was because boats sailed across them and kept everything stirred up and alive. Once the boats were gone, the Scary Lake got shallower and shallower and the water got murkier and murkier. Until now only Mildred the Crocklebog can live in it."

"But why hasn't someone looked after it?" asked Rosie.

"Well, sometimes humans don't look after things very well," said The Old Man Of The Marshes, " and they think that nature will take care of things for them. And when they realise they made a big mistake, they like someone else to come and pay for it to be fixed."

"And someone is going to?" asked Swampy, hopefully.

"Oh yes" said The Old Man Of The Marshes. "But the funny thing is - they still don't want the boats back."

"But that's ridiculous. " said Rosie. "We need the boats back on the Scary Lake as soon as we can. So  they can help bring it back to life, and we can get out and explore the Big River!"

"Yes" said The Old Man Of The Marshes. "And you young Boggles and Twiggles can help. You need to get over to change.org and sign the petition on your MarshPads. No public money without public access!"

"No public money without public access!" agreed everyone, and gorged themselves on snozzleberries.

Persecution of houseboat owners continues unabated

Broads National Pike readers may recall the famous victory by Alan Fish against the Blessed Authority back in May, in which the toll for his barge Oddjob was ruled illegal.

His victory may be short-lived however as I'm told that the Authority has not only appealed against the ruling but is so confident of success that it has already slapped Mr Fish with a notice of contravention for failing to pay this year's illegal toll!

Keen to find out more about the 'live aboard' lifestyle, I had a bit of a poke around some other 'adjacent waters' and looked at some actual houseboats; you know the sort of thing - a house, but built on a raft. Not really a boat at all. Well, alright yes they float, but so do dead fish.

And guess what? Apparently, last September, the owners of these floating cabins were told by the BA that "under the strict wording of the act, your property does qualify as a house boat" - and were invited to sign up to pay a toll. But for what? You may well ask.

A houseboat, yesterday

Now, saying that they "qualify as a houseboat under the Act" is quite a brave thing to say, because the Act doesn't say anything about houseboats at all! And yet here in my fin is an official letter from the BA, saying that they've re-interpreted the words and decided that if your home floats in a private marina then welcome to tolls world. All part of Dr Pikeman's plan for "bringing in a little more money" no doubt!

I had a good old read through this Act thing and found a bit about rafts & pontoons and it says that permanent ones are exempt. But maybe a houseboat which has been chained to the bank, fixed with pile guides and connected to mains services for 40 years isn't permanent? Or maybe it just takes a cleverer fish than me to find the right page. Or maybe you just have to be really, really determined to take money from more people.

And listen - they've been told to get a Boat Safety Certificate too. Well, our intrepid reporter spoke to two Boat Safety Examiners and guess what. You can't issue a Boat Safety Certificate for something which isn't a boat. Who knew?

I wonder who'll be the next floating target for the ever expanding tolls net? Watch your backs, ducks.