Vacancy for 'Sub' Mariner

Members disciplined at Mockyard "Torture Tent"

Police investigating screams heard across the Yeurgh valley this month have discovered that a gigantic riverside tent is being used as a Blessed Disciplinary Chamber for errant Members.

Pitched alongside the Blessed Mockyard, the tent - which does not have planning consent and can be seen from space - is estimated to be 100 cubits in height and was originally designed to house the Spirit of Boredom - if it could be coaxed under the bridges of Yarco at a low enough tide.

The £750,000 'flagship' Mockyard is famous for having the world's smallest boat house, which was fatally compromised by Blessed Planners who first insisted on putting offices above the workshop, before complaining that the end result was too tall. Desperate to start building before Members could find out, the height was reduced before anyone realised that the dimensions on the plans were in millimeters rather than inches - resulting in a workshop which could only accommodate scale models of the intended vessels. Unable to find staff sufficiently short to work there, Blessed Officers acquired a rather taller tent which not only has room to accommodate a vessel with the cabin still attached, but with the mast and sails aloft too.

But the unauthorised tent has a double life. We can exclusively reveal this week that it is hired at weekends by Granny Spokesperson for 'disciplinary' purposes - making full use of the suite of high intensity lighting, lifting chains and shackles. It's understood that her first 'invited guest' was local leprechaun and sailor Wilky O'Brian, who had upset her Highness by attempting to stand up for boat owners who were inexplicably affronted by her proposal to slap a wealth tax on gin palaces and historic sailing cruisers. "I've been very disappointed with Wilky," she said, "his members have had plenty of opportunities to be ignored during the token review process, so it's far too late for him to start complaining now."

"What part of 'collective responsibility' does he not understand?" she added, before being consoled with a round of drinks from her pet poodle.

Blessed Planners have confirmed that they are aware of 'a small two man tent' alongside the Mockyard, but that it "will probably have gone by the time we get around to looking at it, as we are rather busy at the moment." The unnamed source said that enforcement action for the unauthorised development "would not be expedient, as our Equal Persecution Policy does not apply to Blessed developments."

"It's not as though it's a bloody phone box or something, is it" said the spokesperson.

Muddle, muddle, tolls will double…

“Oh, no, … damn it, … oh NO! … John, look, when we put the numbers through the high minded principle prism of science, the tolls review numbers come out almost double!  How are we going to get THAT past the Members?”

“Where? Do you mean the tolls review you did all by yourself but let the navigation chairman share a byline? Show me, … ah yes, … ooops!”

“Well, what are we going to do? I can’t face the Members of the Authority and tell them that my carefully orchestrated tolls review to outshine all tolls reviews is a complete flop and a waste of everyone’s time!”

“No, you certainly can’t do that. It doesn’t really matter so much what the stakeholders think - that’s mostly irrelevant - it’s the members who make you Chair, and you can never admit you’re wrong to them. Time to deploy the Pikeman algorithm #1, I think.”

“Which one’s that John? You have so many nefarious methods ..."

“Don’t be ridiculous, Granny. There aren’t that many - and most of them derive from this one in any case. I’m just going to dress this one up a little more than I usually do, using the power of social media. That’ll impress the Members.”

“Step 1. We write a report for navigation committee, make the report wordy and pack it with numbers and appendices and thoughtful little details about the process, how hard key members of staff worked and a special little mention for a member or two.”

“Step 2. Give the EDP an exclusive press release about the amazing results of your AMAZING  tolls review which is wordy with lots of appendices and based on a scientific method of producing exactly the outcome you've decided on. Members will be too loyal to want to embarrass you or me in public, and we’re half way there.”

“Then, step 3. I’ll pretend to go out to consultation with the general public on social media. The real aim will be to pitch private boat owners against the hire boat industry and see what gives. The Blessed Forum is as good a place as any and we might come across a friendly face or two on there so it doesn’t look too bad. The Forum kicks our arse, but that won’t matter.”

“Step 4, we put it to navigation committee.  The usual suspect will make a fuss, but there’s enough bodies from the Toil Review Gang who won’t want to see months of turning up to pointless meetings go to waste AND admit to it being a waste. We tell the members we engaged on social media, don’t tell them we got our arses kicked, we do tell them how lovely and engaging we were online and how hard the team worked behind the scenes to get the show on the road. With special thanks to key team members, that always goes down well. Before you know it, the collective fear of failure will drive them to approve the outcome of the tolls review.”

“Step 5, this is the final step and easiest of all. We tell Authority Members how hard the Toil Review Gang worked, how hard the team worked, how engaging we were on social media and how this has all been such a great team effort and how the navigation committee has given it their blessing and honestly, what do members know about navigation, really, that should all be delegated to navigation committee who know what they are doing AND cue Dick Billson with an amiable remark about how hire boat operators can buy private boat owners a round of drinks with their savings and BAM! Bob’s your uncle, you’re the Granny and I’m laughing all the way to Why Hill.”

“Oh John”, giggled Granny, “do you ever get tired of being such a wizard? I know you promised that I’d be able to afford my own 40ft gin palace by the time I’m done on the Authority, but I didn’t know you’d make all the private boat owners sell up so soon.”

“For you, my queen, anything.  Which gives me an idea … shall we commission a reed throne for you? The Silted Rivers, Lost Moorings and Bogs project has just enough money in it for one of those.”

Swift Recruitment Drive(in)

Following recent criticism of the installation of an electronic bird box to attract migrant birds, the Blessed Authority has come under renewed fire for wasting public money this week with a planning proposal to build a welcoming meeting place for prospective new members.

With the seasonal cull of members seemingly at an end, new recruits are being sought to replace those displaced and plans have been unveiled for a purpose-built reception area to be created; in the car park.

Upper echelons at Yeurght House are of the opinion that new members are likely to follow existing members if they can be shown that membership is rewarding, fulfilling and safe. The new reception spaces will accommodate up to 20 cars with some bays occupied by expensive new high-end vehicles in the form of cardboard cut-outs with the idea being to make the right kind of applicant member feel at home.

A spokesperson for member recruitment, Myopia Atchinson, explained the decision: “We are looking for people who aren’t too concerned with studying things very carefully, hence the cardboard cutouts of new Range Rovers and Mercedes sports convertibles. We’ve even found a paper Tesla to help attract the more environmentally conscious. Anyone who is able to spot that these aren’t real motorcars probably doesn't have the right membership qualities we are looking for,”

In addition, to attract new members from the proper backgrounds, the parking spaces will have recorded sounds played. Audio mimicking the chinking of champagne flutes, popping of corks and the sound of crisp paper money notes being rustled will be piped though to the car parking spaces but also played on a yet-to-be-announced DAB frequency that can be heard up to four hundred miles away, particularly in areas where there are no rivers.

The Blessed Authority was quick to play down the proposal, highlight its ecological aspect and address concerns of public money being misused. A spokesperson from the Obfuscation Department commented, “We have reduced the impact of this on the public purse by convincing the Blessed Trust to contribute some of the Love The Blessed donations to this and other projects. Although this has met with some opposition at some of the donation centres, we consider this to be a brilliant wheeze as it means we can seemingly get money from the public in the form of willing donations via the back door also.”

Turning to the new member parking, the spokesman continued, “The audio will have a very low ecological footprint since our installation of a bio-mass boiler. With the slow withdrawal of paper money, we have secured permission from the Royal Mint to burn all paper fivers that we can extract from boat owners, the National Parks Grant and the Blessed Trust and with this agreement also hope to clarify, once and for all, the commonly held belief that we have money to burn. Yes, we do, but we are allowed to.”

What A Pantomime (Oh No It Isn't!)

The latest money wasting scheme from the Blessed Authority - or “how to get Granny and Dr. P into history books for the most expensive knighthoods ever” - has taken a massive step forwards, with the news that grant funding has been allocated to the Broads National Pike’s own Christmas panto.  

“We were encouraged by the successful theatre production bid announced recently and felt we could go one better in the upcoming Christmas season”, said Fenny. 

The Silted Rivers, Lost Moorings and Bogs project aims to promote “the cultural significance of landscapes” and has been desperately scrabbling around for anybody inside the golden funding triangle between Acle, Yarmouth and Lowestoft to come up with a way of spending some of the millions sloshing around in the HLF coffers. Drama is said to be critical in shaping the future of the Broads, and there's certainly no shortage of it at Yeurght House.

The panto is a production of Cinderella, a much loved festive story. Casting has been successful to date with Granny taking the role of the Evil Stepmother, Dr. P as her adulterous lover and Angelica Short and Caligula Smithson as the two wicked stepsisters. Henna Larson and Jimmy Day have been approached for the roles of Cinderella and Buttons respectively. The role of Prince Charming is still in the audition stages, but the production team can confirm that the two shortlisted candidates are Ian Cheekbones from the Busman’s Inn and Roger Bush from Tripe Island. 

The production is intended to be a realistic portrayal of affairs at the Blessed Authority and is therefore unsuitable for young children or those of a nervous disposition. Unlike the beloved story, the fairy godmother takes the guise of the Department of Accident and Oversight and completely fails to take any interest in Cinderella’s plight. The girl is banished to the darkest cellars of the grand house and Prince Charming has his assets either seized or compulsorily purchased, whilst the evil Granny continues to reign supreme over her chanting throngs of adoring men of a certain age.  

The Samaritans will be available to anyone needing emotional support at the end of the performance and we hope to have key Members of Parliament on hand to answer questions about why nothing is being done to disband this unelected and unaccountable quango. 

We are hoping that this specially commissioned panto is well received. Tickets go on sale shortly and all proceeds will go towards a fund to support Blessed Authority stakeholders who have fallen foul of heavy handed planning practices. Patrons are encouraged to dig deep as it is likely the fund will be completely over-subscribed by the end of year.

Governance Workshop replaced with Play Day

Blessed Chair Granny Burgess has announced that an important workshop - planned to discuss governance issues - is to be scrapped in favour of a Member/Officer Play Day.

The meeting - originally planned for March - was to focus on governance issues & chairing skills and would be 'specifically tailored' for the Authority's needs. However, the event was delayed until September so that new members could go through their assimilation process before being allowed to join in, to avoid "awkward and embarrassing questions".

The Chair had previously commented that the workshop "would be very useful and important and all members should attend if they possibly could". However, with the governance spotlight shining ever brighter where it isn't wanted, she has decided to cancel the event altogether - citing diary clashes, and apparently oblivious to the irony of a member-requested event on chairing skills being privately cancelled by the Chair.

Hopefully Members will challenge the decision at their meeting this Friday - but don't hold your breath, as it seems to have been accidentally left off the agenda.

Blessed Governance has been in the news several times this year, even receiving national attention in the pages of Private Eye, so it's entirely natural for the puppet regime to try to quell concern by pretending that the problem doesn't exist. "I've spoken to literally several stakeholders" said the Chair, "and all the ones who agree with me say that they are quite happy and can't understand what the fuss is about."

Vice Chairman Sir Dick Peterson and Chief Executive Dr John Pikeman both agreed that the workshop was unnecessary. "There's nothing to see here," said Sir Dick, "but with morale amongst members and staff at an all-time low, we've decided that what we need are more fun days out, rather than these so-called 'useful and important' workshops."

Members enjoyed their annual day out to Why Hill this summer, for example, where they were were able to see first hand the restricted river width and poor road access at the Authority's flagship visitor centre, which is capable of accommodating up to 6 people at a time.

"These Play Days provide a perfect opportunity for members to get together with officers in a less formal but still carefully managed setting" said Dr Pikeman. "We want officers and members to talk to each other, but not to the point where they would make friends on social networks or buy boats in joint names." 

Best Friends Forever

The general public and interested stakeholders were informed last week that the little Yeoman "Gremlin II", who had been jointly owned by the blessed grandmother and her non-Facebook BFF (Best Friend Forever) Head of Blessed Planning, has been placed in full care of Granny Spokesperson and will now be re-branded "Gremlin".

The ladies have been quick to re-assure us that “nothing whatsoever will change” and “our friendship is stronger than ever before” - and that planning committee meetings will not witness “cat fights” over who gets to sail the little boat on alternate weekends.

"The custody arrangements are quite amicable and we just want to keep our friendship out of the constant media spotlight" they told our reporter. "Like most celebrity couples we crave the privacy and normality less important people than us enjoy."

“But hang on a minute", said our hack, "isn't the whole purpose of the staff/member protocol to ensure the public can have confidence that staff and members aren’t forging relationships that could impair their professional relationship and judgement?”

“As I said, our friendship is stronger than ever…”

“You’re not listening Granny. The public interest is in making sure that Authority decisions are properly scrutinised by an independent panel of members, not in whether you two still get on.”

“Our friendship is stronger than ever and there’s nothing to see here…”

“For goodness sake, can you please listen? The. Public Want. To. Know. That. You. Can Reach Planning. Decisions. Independently. From.Your. Friend's. Influence.”

“My BFF and I want to assure all Authority stakeholders that we will remain firm friends regardless of who owns our little boat…“

“But can the public have confidence…”

“Of course the public can have complete confidence that we will not fight over the boat at planning committee meetings.”

Dr Pikeman has confirmed that the purchase was authorised by a previous monitoring officer - shortly before he disappeared in mysterious circumstances. "The staff / member protocol is being refreshed by his replacement's replacement," he said "and I would like to give stakeholders my absolute assurance that I will include sufficient loopholes so that statutory functions and duties of the Authority do not interfere with this beautiful friendship."