A watery success story

With Christmas behind us, it is a long standing tradition of the British pundit to look back over the year - and Fenny, the Fen Raft Spider, is here to bring you the best of the Blessed Authority’s achievements of 2015.

Hoveton Great Broad is an outstanding 2015 Blessed Authority success story. In total almost £5M of public money will be spent on restoring a rich aristocrat’s private broad and despite persistent bleating of the assembled herd of Members, a petition signed by over 1500 people and the concept being fundamentally flawed, the Authority - charged with looking after navigation interests by an Act of Parliament - failed to negotiate a public right of navigation … why? Speculation is rife and the Authority’s Spokesperson strenuously denies that the Authority didn’t criticise the Heritage Lottery Fund in order to safeguard the Landscape Partnership bid. Rumours that Members had been asked not to comment on or sign the online petition were quashed when a lesser Member decided to break rank and speak out. “It’s really not true that Members aren’t allowed to talk to the public about what we do. We’re just advised not to for our own good.”

Building on the resounding success of the re-branding exercise, Members of the Blessed Authority found themselves stunned to learn that calling yourself a National Park, when you’re actually not, can be considered unlawful - despite your trusted officers’ opinions at the time. So, just to make sure officers weren’t wrong and Dr Pikeman doesn’t miss out on a knighthood when he retires, Members resolved to set aside roughly £60K of public money to the right and just cause of defending a name. Flattered by Members’ generosity of spirit to his retirement well-being, Dr Pikeman issued the following self deprecating statement: “Here at the Authority, we’re just trying to do our bit to protect rare and endangered species. Following Government cuts to Legal Aid, a number of London Barristers are in danger of disappearing altogether and I felt it was our duty to support this ‘at risk’ law society species from extinction.”

Thorpe Island with its latest campaign and petition must surely be the pinnacle of stakeholder engagement success for the Authority. Encouraged by some very wealthy local residents and an MP’s call for swift action, the Blessed Authority delivered its first attempt at a corporate Christmas Card to the feral unwashed on the island. A junior member of the team fell foul of auto-correct and predictive text on the work machine and the message “A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of Roger Bush’s tenants” catastrophically translated to “Will Roger Bush’s tenants please all leave the island to give us a Happy New Year”, perplexing the population into fighting its corner and defending its rights against bully-boy tactics. Fortunately, the Blessed Authority gained some much needed media exposure and several columns of newspaper print. “It’s all a big misunderstanding”, said Granny Spokesperson, “ My distaste for shanty towns is well known and documented, however, as I will be deemed unfit for public office if I stand by my statements, I might as well change my mind to protect my position on the Authority. Who’s for mediation, chaps?”

Finally, I have news on Eddie, who was considered by many to be the founding father of this news bulletin. The poor fish, who had no idea his identity had been stolen, is settling into blissful anonymity and middle aged respectability. RIP Eddie.

Of course, Eduardo the imposter is busier than he’s ever been. Applications for new contributors to the bulletin are being considered, please email the Pike with expressions of interest by 15th January 2016.

Happy New Year to you all!

Tripe Island - The Full Feral Facts

An Official Press Statement from the Blessed Authority

Background

Planning consent is at the heart of the issue at Tripe Island. The landowner Roger Bush has flouted our special interpretation of planning laws by refusing to ask permission for something which already has permission. We ask any person who we don't like to do this, as it gives us a thrill. Instead, for four years he has continued to allow boats to moor in his marina, as though the mere existence of planning permission and a legal agreement with ourselves requiring the marina to be used for the mooring of boats could imply that we condone any such activity.

We have tried to work with him over the years to avoid action but to no avail. Despite our repeated assurances that we would turn down any new request for mooring boats in his mooring basin, he failed to make an application for us to refuse. Last year, despite our best efforts, Mr Bush was told he could have permission for 25 boat moorings - though this was subject to deliberately impossible conditions, which he inexplicably rejected. Mr Bush must learn that he is not above the law - only the Blessed Authority is above the law.

The situation has been misrepresented, it is absolutely not an attempt to “gentrify” or “socially cleanse”, in fact we have a long and proud history of banning promoting residential moorings throughout the Broads. The accusation that we are building a marina is completely fabricated, as we wouldn't know where to start. Our concern is simply that we can't ignore a bunch of nimbys who bought expensive houses by the river but don't like boats. They asked us to persecute Mr Bush, it seemed like a good idea at the time and we think it's £110,000 of your taxes well spent.

No-one is being evicted over Christmas, and we can't understand why a hand-delivered letter from a public authority asking residents to leave could possibly be construed as anything other than a friendly Yuletide greeting. After we've enjoyed our Christmas break we will of course return to cleansing the island with renewed vigour.

Electricity and water

We were not aware until recently that Mr Bush was supplying electricity and water, even though he did tell us. We now know that the supply is through solar panels installed on a small trailer which we like to call a large container. This "container" has been part of the persecution case since it started in 2011, and we still want it removed even though we can't say why. Mr Bush did apply for planning permission for this "container" but it made our brains hurt to think about it, so we sent his form back.

Complaint against Blessed Authority Chairman

The Authority’s Monitoring Officer will fully investigate the allegations against Chairperson Granny Spokesperson. We can categorically and unreservedly state now however that she did not describe the residents of Thorpe Island as ‘feral’, the word she used was in fact 'savages'.

Although she did make a comment about shanty towns, this was made in the context of singing jolly sea shanties in her new jointly owned boat and had nothing to do with Tripe Island. We did run the boat purchase past our Monitoring Officer on his last day before leaving the Blessed Authority in disgust, and he said "do what you like, it's not like you pay any attention to anything I tell you anyway." 

We would like to wish everyone living on Tripe Island a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.

A shanty town, yesterday

In the interests of balance, the original unedited version of 'Full Facts' can be found here on the Blessed Authority's website.

The Wrong Policy

What happens when the wrong sort of person uses the right sort of policy? Well that’s exactly what happened at the Blessed Authority last week and your faithful reporter Fenny the Fen Raft Spider was there to bring you this exclusive story first.

I crept into the Waveney Room and settled comfortably on my favourite chair. As a rare and charismatic species, I have a duty to look after myself properly, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“Application for determination Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have a Tea House Because My Agent Is A Former Employee Of The Authority?”, the first application was duly announced.

“Excuse me Sir, It’s against planning policy to approve this one”, piped up a lesser amongst equals.

“Not to worry”, said a Blessed One. “The agent is an all round smashing guy and we love everything he does. “

“Approved” chorused the Members.

“And now application Ba-Ba Black Sheep Can I Have Some Residential Moorings You Told Me You Were Comfortable With back in June?” , the second application was obviously going to be interesting. “Applicant is Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter and I would like to declare on behalf of the Authority, that we’re not allowed to like him much at all. “

A low muttering could be heard from the Member’s side of the room. I thought I could faintly hear the words “chancer” and “not again” and knew instantly I was right to risk life and limb to be here.

“Well,”, said a Blessed One, “we thought we were comfortable with this application, but it turns out we don’t think he’s the right sort of person to be using one of our policies and if we let him use it, he’ll bring his friends and they’ll all start wanting to use our policies to get what they want. It just won’t do. We’d be setting a dangerous precedent. ”

A typical Broads "live aboard", yesterday

“Refuse it!”, whispered Dr. Pikeman. “There’ll be nothing but trouble if you don’t. “

“But we can’t”, moaned a spokesperson. “We can’t let it get out in the public domain that we make promises and then go back on them. ”

“It’s already in the public domain”, I heard a gravelly voice growl, as I scrambled for my life to avoid a rapidly descending posterior of a large man I hadn’t heard enter the room. I spun around to see, well, what a shock this was, none other than Roger Bush, the blighted owner of Tripe Island. I tell you now, my gentle friends, I quivered like a leaf on my many legs. Roger is in enough trouble already without having the wrath of the Divine Ecologist upon him for sitting on a rare species!
What would members do? Would they have the strength of character to determine the application on its merits? Or would they bow to their fear of setting a precedent and allowing Mr. Bush to get a piece of the action?

In the end, they did both.

Ignoring the screams of anguish from the floor above, the application was approved, but tied up in enough conditions to make a corkscrew proud.

I caught up with Don Quixote de Burgh St. Peter in the pub afterwards, and he had this to say. “ The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water. Thou hast seen nothing yet."

Brave Members Reject Assault on Free Speech

“I’m bored!”, exclaimed a more equal member of the Blessed Authority, “These questions from the public are the same every single meeting, somebody do something before I fall asleep at my desk!”

“We could try and answer the questions properly and act on them accordingly”, offered a lesser amongst equals. “I'm fed up with this business of hearing the question and being told the answer before I've had a chance to say anything.”

“That’s just potty”, said a voice, “we simply need to change how we want the public to participate, that’s all!”

“I have the solution”, purred Dr. Pikeman, “leave it to me, I shall confer with the Great Brethren of Blessed Parks, they will surely give me guidance, so we can become more like them in every way.”

So, proposals to limit public participation at the Blessed Authority's meetings were firmly presented to Members this week - who, somewhat remarkably, sat on them just as firmly.

Never one to miss an opportunity to restrict free speech, Dr Pikeman saw the request as a mandate to prevent anyone from petitioning the Authority, restricting what sort of question could be asked - and even bypassing Members entirely when the questioner couldn't be at the meeting.

“Meetings are a place where Members conduct business of the Authority and really don’t need to be distracted by the public interfering with the carefully engineered decisions I need them to make. If Members notice there are alternatives to Option 1 (Save the Authority by charging more and delivering less), or Option 2 (Doom the Authority and all it holds dear to a fate worse than death by not choosing Option 1) then there’ll be a riot.”

Former senior member Dave Pond commented that the Authority is "not a democratic and accountable organisation in the first place" and that the proposal was "unnecessarily provocative".

In an unprecedented last minute rebellion, however, Members decided that enough was enough after all and the proposals were taking a ridiculous step too far, even by the Blessed Authority’s standards.

"It's the complete opposite of what we asked for" complained one new Member.

“Get used to it” whispered the fen raft spider which had fallen off the Divine Ecologist’s skirt earlier in the meeting.

“Of course, we accept the will of the Members” said an official spokesperson, with her fingers firmly crossed behind her back. “We didn't want to limit engagement, just improve efficiency.”

Something Fishy at Thorpe Island

There I was, minding my own business the other day, having a little swim up towards Norwich and I thought I'd look in at Thorpe Island to visit some of my old chums.

Well, I hadn't been there more than a few minutes before someone stuck a piece of paper to my dorsal fin, which said I couldn't swim there anymore; apparently I was in breach of some kind of enforcement notice and fish like me "adversely affect the character and appearance of the conservation area and local amenity". Chatting to some of the other fish, it seems like there's some bloke with a big house nearby who doesn't think that fish have any right to live in marinas, especially not the ones he doesn't like the look of. So he's made a lot of noise about it to some important people and now all the fish have been told to leave or face the direst consequences.

Apparently, the little fishes had been left alone until the man who owned the basin thought it would be a good idea to repair it and make it look all nice again, to encourage the best sort of fish to swim there. But that frightened the natives, who complained that they didn't want to see more fish in the marina, so the Blessed Authority sent their man to stop the improvements and tell the fishes that they couldn't swim there any more. Well this didn't seem very fair to the poor man who'd bought the marina for his retirement, so he tried to carry on anyway - but the more he tried to improve things, the more people tried to stop him and frightened all his fishes away. And so now only the oldest and most unpopular fish go to swim in the marina, and they can't afford to pay much, so the man hasn't got the money to improve it. And all the money he did have went on fighting the bullies trying to stop him. And really this just doesn't smell at all right to me.

Believe it or not, the Blessed Authority says that the basin has been abandoned and can't be used by fish for swimming any more. Despite fish having swum in it every day from the day it was dug (I remember swimming in it 40 years ago). And despite it being made for the express purpose of having fish swim in it. And - get this - despite the Blessed ones signing something in 1985 which said that the basin can only be used for the swimming of fish. They signed this when they allowed those big houses to be built; that's right, including the one whose owner doesn't like looking at all the fishes who were there before he was. So here is a basin which is restricted to the swimming of fish, but the Blessed Authority say that it can't be used for that, even though they said that this was the only thing it could be used for. It's enough to confuse a fish.

To make things even more complicated, Tripe Town Council want the Blessed Authority to compulsorily purchase the island from the landowner and make it a fish free zone. ”It has been scientifically proven that too many small fish in the area spoil our election results so urgent action is required.” said a spokesperson.

I wonder what the Blessed Authority - and TTC - want to happen here? Once they've finished frightening the fishes away and chopping the poor man up into little pieces and jumping up and down on his remains, what will become of the basin? What can it be used for, if not for fish swimming? Who will repair the quay heading once it starts falling into the river? How much will it all cost? And who will be paying the bill?

Something fishy's going on here, or my name's not Eduardo "Fins" McPike.

When is a basin not a basin…?

Presidential task force to tackle tolls

The Broads Authority has announced the creation of a Tolls Task Force charged with shaking up the Broads tolls regime.

Originally, the "Select Committee" was to be open to any Member interested in formulating a new, fairer, tolls system. Quickly realising that this could result in the wrong ideas being put forward, however, the Presidential team instead selected their own personal task force, charged with moving the deck chairs for the 4th time in as many years. "We don't want anyone coming up with any harebrained or potty ideas" commented one senior source.

In appointing the task force, it was felt important to be as inclusive as possible, and therefore 6 people were carefully selected according to height, hair colour and shoe size to ensure fair representation, and to include those both with and without any relevant knowledge. “We think it's particularly important to have a couple of people who don't know anything at all about the subject” said the source, “to ensure that we have a statistically significant range of opinions to ignore."

The tolls issue raises its head every year, as private and hire boat toll payers are pitched into an argument about who should pay more and how big the multiplier should be. Last year, not satisfied with the range of free expertise already available to it, the Authority decided to ‘invest’ £60,000 in a stakeholder survey designed to find out what toll payers really thought about the Authority and tolls. The results of this academically rigorous project were quite startling and the Authority learned many previously unknown and surprising facts about its stakeholders:

• Most boat owners are relatively well off and tend not to come from deprived households
• More people live close to their boats than far away
• Satisfaction with the Authority varies in inverse proportion to the level of engagement with it
• Some people think that tolls are good value, whilst others don't
• Those paying the lowest tolls think that they get the best value
• Most toll payers want more dredging and mooring maintenance
• Private boat owners think that hire boats should pay more in tolls, whilst hire boat owners don't
• Sailors often dislike hire boats and hire boat users do not understand sailors
• Everyone hates anglers and water skiers

The data continues to be analysed by officers in the hope that some useful nugget of information may be gleaned which could actually be used to justify the expense of carrying out the work.

Meanwhile, Members of the Navigation Committee were, this week, given a range of choices on increasing tolls for 2016 and debated a number of sacrificial projects costing a total of £60,000 out of the £3.1 million annual tolls budget. Attempts to consider a reduction in the overall operations budget, to which tolls contribute steadily more each year, were strongly resisted, however. Eventually it was agreed to reduce the multiplier for hire boats (even though it was thought that they can claim all their tolls back from the Government as a tax rebate) and to increase tolls by the price of a round of drinks. This would ensure that owners of small boats would only have to find the equivalent of a couple of pints of cheap lager and a packet of pork scratchings, whilst the owners of gin palaces would forego the cost of one crate of Prosecco and a bowl of hummus.

A Pike, Unmasked

Observant readers may recall that our hero has been held at Yeurgh House, bravely resisting questioning by his arch nemesis Dr John Pikeman.

Finally, his patience at an end, Dr P has torn the mask from his captive's face, expecting to see cowering before him a well known resident of the southern Broads.

Imagine his surprise to find - not "Our Eddie" - but an entirely different fish altogether. It's none other than that master of fishy disguise, Eduardo "Fins" McPike. Finally the pisces have fallen into plaice. Eduardo, the Broads National Pike, has cleverly been using Eddie's persona to conceal his true identity all this time!

"Err… so you're not Eddie then?" asked the confused Dr Pikeman.

"Of course I am not." said Eduardo, "How could you mistake me for that stupid idiotic fish? I hacked his account one time and told everyone he was a national pike, just for a joke. Why would anyone believe anything like that? Obviously it is I, Eduardo, who is the one true Broads National Pike. You can't be a National Pike just by calling yourself one, you know…"

Will Eduardo escape the clutches of Dr Pikeman and the Blessed Authority?

Will the river folk ever find out what really is going on in their name?

Will truth and justice finally be restored?

We'll just have to wait and see…