The fate of a naughty fish

So, it came to pass that Eddie was betrayed, captured and brought before Dr. Pikeman and the three wise monkeys of the Blessed Authority.

Nailed to a discarded 24 hour mooring sign, Eddie blinked helplessly under the cold cruel stare of the un-smiling faces before him.

“What shall we do with this naughty fish?”, purred Dr Pikeman. “I’ve waited a long time to get my hands on him and here he is. Not feeling quite so clever now, are you Eddie?”

“Lets string him up outside the main entrance “ chuckled the first monkey, “He has ridiculed the Blessed Authority! Because of this fish, people point and laugh at me behind my back! ”

“I’ll second that”, smiled another. “It’s taken me all my life to get to gain some credibility and he’s ruining it all.!”

“But why am I here?”, asked Eddie, “I’ve done nothing wrong. Besides, shouldn’t this 24 hour mooring sign go back up again?”

“You have sinned against the Blessed Authority and broken its most sacred of rules!” , grumbled the third.

“B-b-but how? Even the Queen takes a joke these days”, sobbed Eddie. “You can’t do this!”

“No-one who enjoys the fruits of the toils of the Blessed Authority may speak against Her”, Dr. Pikeman said reasonably. “It’s just the way it is.”

“Where does it say so?” asked Eddie, getting braver. “Show me where it says I can’t tell the truth, even if you don’t like it?”

“Here it is”, said the second monkey scribbling on a piece of paper. “I propose it, do I have a seconder? Lovely, ... You Eddie, are banished from the Blessed Authority’s lands, for good!”

“That’s not fair”, protested Eddie. “it’s not as if…”

“Silence!!!!”, all three wise monkeys hissed at Eddie in one voice. “Silence, you annoying, obnoxious, irritating fish, you are guilty and we’re sending you far, far away, so we can pretend you don’t exist. ”

And so an expensive fish tank was commissioned, out of National Park Grant reserves, of course, to transport Eddie far, far away. As the secret train left the Berney Arms train halt in the dead of night, creatures big and small gathered in stunned silence, staring blankly as the moon lit train disappeared from view.

“Don’t let them forget me”, called Eddie, fins pressed against the reinforced glass of his watery dungeon. “Don’t let them get away with it”

“Poor Eddie”, sighed a dragonfly. “He was just trying to help us and everyone else who have nowhere else to live except here. We have to help him escape”

“That’s going to be difficult”, sighed an otter. “I think they’re taking him to Whitlngham. No-one ever goes to Whitlingham, it just can’t be done. It’s not even a proper Broad, poor Eddie....”

“Of course it can”, hooted an owl. “We’ll find him and bring him back. And in the mean time, we’ll have to keep up the good work!”

“Hooray!”, cheered the assembled friends,

“Excuse me”, piped up the little fen raft spider. “Can anyone tell me where this 24 hour mooring sign is supposed to go? ... where? .... Thurne Mouth? ... oh, I don’t think .... best put it in the bin then. What do you mean there aren’t any bins? Can someone please move this sign, I can only live on this blade of grass near this particular puddle and the sign’s squashing it ... anyone?... Please? ... Help!”

.... to be continued ....

A Boggle At BewilderBroad

It was Mildred the Crocklebog's birthday and she was feeling a bit lonely down on the Scary Lake, so she decided to invite all her friends round for a special party.

Now, Crocklebogs live for a very long time and have really really good memories. Mildred was 150 years old and she thought it was about time she told everyone the truth about the Scary Lake.

"Lithen everyone" said Mildred, "I want to tell you all a thtory". The young Boggles and Twiggles got very excited when they heard this, and started trying to guess what the story would be. "Swampy's first visit to the Scary Lake" said one. "Moss getting lost in the Muddled Maze" tried another. "Shhhh" said the older ones.

"It'th none of thothe thtories, " said Mildred, "thith one ith all about the fun we had on the Thcary Lake when I wath young. It was thix feet deep, full of birdth and wildlife and you could even thail on it."

There was a gasp, and silence. Six feet deep? Sail on the Scary Lake? This was heresy. Nobody was allowed to take a boat on to the Scary Lake. Well, nobody except the owners, who said they hated boats. But really they just hated other people's boats.

"Yeth, " continued Mildred, "there were wherrieth, and keelth before that, and it used to be thuch fun waving to them when they thailed acroth the lake."

Well, what an exciting story this turned out to be. So the old legends were true! There really was a river outside the Scary lake, and you could sail in and out to far off places like Blorning and Troxham, where the Grockles went on their holidays.

"What happened? What happened?" burbled the Boggles. "Tell us!" squealed the Twiggles.

"Well, " said Mildred, " there wath thith big colony of gullth living on the Lake, and the ownerth liked having them there. Tho they dethided to thtop anyone thailing a boat on the lake."

There was a puzzled silence and then Swampy asked "But why would they do that? Everyone knows that boats and wildlife get along just fine."

"Yeth. " said Mildred. "It was a trick to clothe the lake tho that nobody elth could enjoy it. Nobody wath brave enough to argue and then the treeth thstarted growing all around the lake and before long everyone forgot that the river wath even there."

"So there really is a river?" asked Moss, thrilled.

"Oh yeth, " said Mildred, "and other laketh full of birdth and inthecth and all kindth of wildlife."

"Really? " asked Leaflette. "So why isn't our lake full of birds and insects and wildlife? Why is it all boggy and smelly?"

"I think I can explain that" said a slow, deep voice. Everyone turned to look at The Old Man Of The Marshes, who had crept in whilst they were listening to Mildred. "You see, these lakes aren't natural at all. They are really 'Broads', dug out by Boggles hundreds of years ago who needed peat to burn and keep warm."

"When they'd finished digging, they flooded the Broads," continued The Old Man Of The Marshes, "and the only reason they stayed like that was because boats sailed across them and kept everything stirred up and alive. Once the boats were gone, the Scary Lake got shallower and shallower and the water got murkier and murkier. Until now only Mildred the Crocklebog can live in it."

"But why hasn't someone looked after it?" asked Rosie.

"Well, sometimes humans don't look after things very well," said The Old Man Of The Marshes, " and they think that nature will take care of things for them. And when they realise they made a big mistake, they like someone else to come and pay for it to be fixed."

"And someone is going to?" asked Swampy, hopefully.

"Oh yes" said The Old Man Of The Marshes. "But the funny thing is - they still don't want the boats back."

"But that's ridiculous. " said Rosie. "We need the boats back on the Scary Lake as soon as we can. So  they can help bring it back to life, and we can get out and explore the Big River!"

"Yes" said The Old Man Of The Marshes. "And you young Boggles and Twiggles can help. You need to get over to change.org and sign the petition on your MarshPads. No public money without public access!"

"No public money without public access!" agreed everyone, and gorged themselves on snozzleberries.

Persecution of houseboat owners continues unabated

Broads National Pike readers may recall the famous victory by Alan Fish against the Blessed Authority back in May, in which the toll for his barge Oddjob was ruled illegal.

His victory may be short-lived however as I'm told that the Authority has not only appealed against the ruling but is so confident of success that it has already slapped Mr Fish with a notice of contravention for failing to pay this year's illegal toll!

Keen to find out more about the 'live aboard' lifestyle, I had a bit of a poke around some other 'adjacent waters' and looked at some actual houseboats; you know the sort of thing - a house, but built on a raft. Not really a boat at all. Well, alright yes they float, but so do dead fish.

And guess what? Apparently, last September, the owners of these floating cabins were told by the BA that "under the strict wording of the act, your property does qualify as a house boat" - and were invited to sign up to pay a toll. But for what? You may well ask.

A houseboat, yesterday

Now, saying that they "qualify as a houseboat under the Act" is quite a brave thing to say, because the Act doesn't say anything about houseboats at all! And yet here in my fin is an official letter from the BA, saying that they've re-interpreted the words and decided that if your home floats in a private marina then welcome to tolls world. All part of Dr Pikeman's plan for "bringing in a little more money" no doubt!

I had a good old read through this Act thing and found a bit about rafts & pontoons and it says that permanent ones are exempt. But maybe a houseboat which has been chained to the bank, fixed with pile guides and connected to mains services for 40 years isn't permanent? Or maybe it just takes a cleverer fish than me to find the right page. Or maybe you just have to be really, really determined to take money from more people.

And listen - they've been told to get a Boat Safety Certificate too. Well, our intrepid reporter spoke to two Boat Safety Examiners and guess what. You can't issue a Boat Safety Certificate for something which isn't a boat. Who knew?

I wonder who'll be the next floating target for the ever expanding tolls net? Watch your backs, ducks.

Broads Authority Guilty of "Illegal Charges"

News has reached the BNP offices of a houseboat owner's historic victory over our Blessed Authority.

For 4 years, retired school teacher Alan Fish has been fighting a David & Goliath style battle against the forces of darkness, determined that people living on static house boats in private marinas should not have to pay navigation tolls.

The Broads Act 2009 gave the BA the right to register boats (for safety reasons) and to charge tolls in "adjacent waters" - leaving it up to the Authority to decide what tolls were appropriate in each case. "Adjacent waters" are waters attached to, but not part of, the main navigation area.

The BA decided that tolls in adjacent waters should be exactly the same as tolls in the navigation area - on the basis that all boats would be using the navigation area at some point - conveniently forgetting that static houseboats could do no such thing.

Mr Fish, owner of Dutch barge Oddjob moored at a secret location in the southern Broads, refused to pay the toll demanded on the basis that the BA didn't - and couldn't - provide him with any services at all. As he puts it, "I was happy to pay a registration fee, but I thought it was quite wrong to have to pay the same toll in a privately-maintained marina as a houseboat moored in the navigation area, which the BA pays to maintain."

When asked whether this was right or fair, the Authority said that it didn't matter whether or not it was fair - the Act gave them the right to charge it, so they did. In Dr John Pikeman's own words "From the Authority’s point of view it would be more consistent and beneficial if all unpowered craft paid a toll."

"It would make it easier to administer and bring in a little more money, lovely jubbly",  he continued, rubbing his hands together.

Meanwhile, Mr Fish has been quietly assembling new evidence and, last week, presented his appeal at Ipswich Crown Court. After the Blessed Authority's barrister was unable to explain to the Court exactly what the charge was for, the Judge upheld the appeal - ruling that the toll was an "unjustified tax" and an "illegal charge".

The BA must now presumably refund not only Mr Fish but also the many other houseboat owners who have been reluctantly handing over their hard-earned cash in exchange for nothing whatsoever for the past 3 years - unless it finds a way to appeal the decision.

Before it thinks about an appeal, the BA must surely take a careful look at how its Officers have been allowed to pursue such a manifestly unjust policy for so long without referring it back to the Members, and ask how much public money has been spent on this (and similar) prosecutions. Accustomed only to telling Members what they should authorise, the Authority's Officers are now faced with the very real possibility of having to ask the Members for guidance, a situation for which there is no known precedent.

Extra work for Rangers, as domestic waste re-branded 'commercial'

The controversial Government decision to re-brand domestic refuse from boats as commercial waste has caused fly tipping and customer confusion throughout the Broads, as Local Authorities have decided to terminate free waste collection services at key riverside locations around Yarmouth and Broadland.

The Broads Authority have faced up to the problem by introducing river-based waste collection services across the Broads, with the Charles Collier running the first trial this weekend on the River Bure near to St Benets Abbey - spotted here by famous Broads photographer Lord Paul of Sealand.  

"This is very much a trial" said a Broads Authority spokesperson, "as the Ranger boats can only carry one domestic sized wheelie bin at a time, or 2 if the Rangers leave their packed lunches on the bank."

"We are currently undergoing a competitive tender process for larger scale compactor wherries. Local boatyards will be invited to tender, as long as they read the London Gazette, before we award the contract to an Irish company as usual."

The Authority will need to differentiate between domestic waste from owners of private boats, which is domestic, and domestic waste from hire boat customers, which is commercial. Hire boat yards are being asked to provide their customers with special red 'Broads National Park' bin bags so that the Rangers can identify and collect the 'commercial' waste but leave the rest for the Local Authorities to collect in the normal way.

Dr John Pikeman called the re-branding decision "completely illogical", given that the refuse from hire boats was clearly not commercial waste. "Why would anyone want to change a perfectly good name into something inaccurate?" he said "It's ridiculous and will cause confusion for visitors." 

Broads Authority responds to censorship row by censoring Members

The Broads Authority's politburo has responded to the EDP's story on alleged 'gagging' of Members by instructing Members not to make any comment.

The memo from the Authority's "communications department" reassures Members that there is no intention to gag them, but that all comments relating to the Broads or the Broads Authority must be channelled through the Ministry of Propaganda.

The communiqué follows this week's high profile EDP interview with outgoing Navigation Committee Chairman and Broads Authority member Dave Pond, who highlighted the "draconian" rules at the Broads Authority which he had been forced to follow during his 7 year tenure and branded the Authority "an unaccountable quango".

Mr Pond was disciplined in 2013 for trying to respond to questions about tolls increases on the popular Broads Blog Pravda. He was also unable to comment publicly on tourism, despite being the Authority's Lead Member for Tourism.

Outgoing Authority Chairman John Stephenson denied the allegations and claimed that the policy was standard practice in non-political organisations. "We have no democratic mandate from the public, so we are not required to be accountable" he said. "The Broads Authority is independent of Government and power is vested in its Chief Executive. This is normal. The role of Members is to support the will of the Executive and to ensure that contrary views are suppressed before they escape into the public domain and gain traction."

Mr Stephenson confirmed that the communications policy had widespread support and was only opposed by a minority of Members brave enough to speak out, in addition to the Norfolk & Suffolk Boating Association, the Royal Yachting Association, the British Marine Federation, the Broads Hire Boat Federation and every MP representing the Broads area.

In a separate development, Police are investigating after a body was pulled from the River Wensum near the Novi Sad bridge, close to Yare House. Witnesses were said to have heard the words "will nobody rid me of this troublesome fish" before 4 shots were fired and a figure fell from the bridge. Dr John Pikeman is said to have taken personal charge of the investigation and an engraved bullet has been removed from the scene.

Broads National Pike journalists have confirmed that the Authority's officers are immune from external censure, with both the Local Government Ombudsman and DEFRA confirming that they will not investigate complaints from Members about the Authority or its Executive. "[Members] should pursue their concerns with the Authority" said Lord de Mauley, without a hint of irony.

Broads Hireboat Operator to Re-brand as Broads Authority

Robertsons, one of the Broads' longest established holiday companies, has announced its intention to rebrand itself as The Broads Authority.

The move follows a number of high profile collaborations between the 2 organisations including a joint presence at the London Boat Show in January and the Excel Travel Show last month. This week, the Authority launched the Robertsons Broads Eating Out Guide, which Officers are confident will be widely promoted by Robertsons' industry competitors.

A spokesman for the famous hire boat operator said "Having signed an exclusive long-term sponsorship deal with the Broads Authority, it seemed entirely natural that we should take over the name - especially since they aren't using it any more, having rebranded themselves as a National Park earlier this year."

Other Broads businesses have subsequently wondered why they weren't asked to bid for the name, but the Authority's spokesman, Dr John Pikeman, confirmed that an exhaustive protocol for ensuring best value for the public had been followed in agreeing the deal. "Robertsons asked us before anyone else did, and we said yes" he explained.

Robertsons' plans for the Authority include a TV channel, last minute discounts for late payment of tolls and wrapping the Yare House offices in a giant pirate ship mural.